Dear First Love,
It has been months; yet, I still find myself writing to you. I don’t know if I’ll ever make sense of our love. I loved you so purely and then for months I felt like a warrior, battling against you.
I don’t know when this switch happened exactly. How did we go from battling the world together to battling each other? I think part of the problem stemmed from the fact that I always felt there was a problem, and you never did. It made me feel like we weren’t on the same page, and in the end, we weren’t.
It killed me when you told me you weren’t healthy for me, because deep down, I knew it was true. I just wanted to be your perfect girl. Maybe there isn’t such a thing…or I just wasn’t her. Either way, I always feared my insecurities would be our demise and they were. My thoughts of doubt really pushed you to your limits, but you have to understand my fear to let you in without knowing for sure your love was pure. I pleaded with you to make me feel secure because I could’ve love you forever. But you failed me and in turn I failed you.
I’ll always regret the way things went down. Maybe years from now, I won’t regret us being apart, but right now, I do. I can’t help but miss you and miss what we had. I try to remind myself we weren’t those people for a while. Maybe we weren’t as meant to be as we once thought. But, it just feels so wrong to have had something so good and pure that one day would not be.
The morning you woke up and told me you realized you loved me in a dream will forever be imprinted in my mind. I knew then I loved you, because when I looked at you, I saw the rest of my life. Who knew that our whole career would only last two years? I went from not being able to live without you to soaring without you.
But still, I wish you knew the book that made me want to be a screenwriter. I wish you knew that when I’m sad I drive around, windows down, listening to my CDs. I wish you knew why I watch the same movies and shows over and over. I wish you knew despite the increase in heart rate it brings me, a cup of tea a night soothes my soul because it reminds me of time spent with my mother and Nonna. I wish you read my old diary entries of a sad and dorky little girl navigating her simple yet tragic world. I wish you knew about my night terrors so that you may understand the depth of my seemingly irrational fears. I wish you heard these things and smiled for the sake of understanding me better or being more involved in my world. I wanted this all because I loved you but you didn’t take the time in two years to learn them. That’s why we didn’t last. Sheer negligence.
I love you. In some fashion I know these words are still true. You’ll always take up a huge space in my heart. Of all the things and memories I miss of us, I miss the way you looked at me the most. But that look will never ever return. No matter where life takes us. You will never look at me with that pure of love again. I think that has been the hardest thing to grasp in all this. I hope one day we can laugh together again and be at least as great of friends as we once were.
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