We’re still beaming from all the empowering and teachable moments at Her Conference. While we’re still reflecting on Logan Browning’s vital keynote presentation at Her Conference 2018, we’re also still digesting Nico Tortorella’s keynote speech—and there’s a lot to chew here.
In just under an hour, Tortorella managed to touch on wearing a gorg gown to a GLAAD event (which was an iconic first), coming out to their mom, sexual identity, gender norms, gender identities and identities in general. When Tortorella opened up their speech, they talked about the process of coming out to their mother—not only about their sexuality but also about their gender identity. Although this made me cry some (painfully) nostalgic queer tears, Tortorella used this point to talk about how our personal identities are ever-changing and that’s perfectly okay.
Toward the beginning or their speech, Tortorella notes their mother’s reaction when they told her about their non-binary identity. Paraphrasing their mother, Tortorella said, “Look, I can deal with your sexuality, but why must you always take it to the next level.”
Tortorella adds, “I’m not transitioning, at least not in the way that you or society thinks that I am. Sidenote: aren’t we all always transitioning in one way or another?” And we are all transitioning in some form or another. As humans, we’re constantly growing and changing, just like how our perception of the world around us and our personal identities constantly change.
“My trans-ness, my gender non-conformity is not like anyone else’s. It’s mine. For so long, I felt that I was unworthy of a non-binary label because of what I looked like—because of what society expected of me. I repeat: I am not in the wrong body. I may be in the wrong world.”  Â
As Tortorella goes on to discuss how society systematically tells us how we should live, look and act, they continue to say that this influences our overall understanding of what constitutes as masculine and feminine. However, this reductive binary puts the broad spectrum of gender and gendered things in two boxes, when masculinity and femininity are deeply intertwined constructs. Â
Because society influences what we deem as traditionally masculine or feminine (even though there’s nothing conventional about either), it creates this divergence between the genders and makes it seem like you can only categorize yourself as one or the other. As Tortorella notes in their speech, you don’t have to be one or the other, at least not for the longevity of your life. As they write in their poetry book, “All of it is you.”
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Although society constructs this weird and false notion that you need to check some sort of masculine vs. feminine box, we can unlearn those rigid rules and relearn how to be comfortable in genders — particularly once we realize that every aspect of our personal identities is in this constant state of transition. While being in a perpetual state of transition can seem chaotic, chaos isn’t innately bad—just like changing isn’t an adverse side effect of personal growth. Relearning the vast spectrum of gender can also help us dispel the internalized gatekeeping that might have prevented us from openly labeling ourselves as a specific gender—or even coming out to ourselves about our gender identity.
Our gender identity is forever malleable, but that shouldn’t disquiet us about the actual change. Whether you define yourself as genderfluid, a woman, agender, or any other gender or non-gender in the gender realm, that’s entirely up to you. Just like defining yourself as a woman for a moment or your entire life, is just as valid. However, recognizing that there’s no one definition of the same gender identity can help you explore your personal gender identity as it changes throughout your life.
“I wear this dress because I can because of my platform, because of my celebrity, because of what I look like,” Tortorella said. “I wear this dress to disrupt the system. I wear the dress for every kid out there who felt like they didn’t belong—for every kid that contemplated suicide because they didn’t see a version of themselves in the mainstream media. I wear this dress for myself second, actually, and everyone else first.”