You know the one I’m talking about. They are the person in your life that literally everyone can see is bad for you–the person you also know is bad for you, but you still cannot quite seem to let them go. We all have one. If you do not, I can pretty much guarantee that you will at some point.
People do not have labels attached to their foreheads. If they did, we could see them coming from miles away and decide then and there if we want to run and hide or embrace them into our lives. Life would be so much easier if this were the case. But sadly, it is not.
So I want you to know that if you do have someone toxic in your life, or you happen to in the future, it is not your fault.
But what exactly is a toxic person? It is not that the person as a whole is toxic. It could be the behavior of a person, or simply your relationship with them. Either way, they tend to do several things: create drama or surround themselves with it, manipulate or control others, criticize others–or even themselves, or constantly condescend others. These are just a few of many characteristics of a toxic person or relationship. Because of these actions, we often feel emotionally drained by their presence or after leaving them. We dread or fear to be around them, feel bad or ashamed of ourselves and like we are stuck in a constant cycle of trying to fix or rescue them.
The term “toxic relationship” has this connotation that leads us to automatically think of a bad boyfriend or girlfriend. In reality, however, a toxic relationship could be with a friend or even a family member. For me, it was my best friend.
Yes, I have experienced this. I am not just another person looking to fill a page for a deadline with something that I know nothing about. I have been there. I know what you are going through.
My best friend and I were inseparable. I will not bore you with the details, but we were together all the time. In the beginning, I saw no issue with our relationship. I had someone that I could be myself around, who understood me, and who genuinely made me happy.
I think that is the hardest part. Often, the person who makes us happiest also makes us miserable. The question you must ask yourself is this: am I miserable more than I am happy? In my case, the answer was yes.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be around one person all the time. The issue comes when you begin to shut out the rest of your friends and family for that person. Looking back, I can see myself gradually detaching from everyone. I had a new attitude, a new way of looking at life, and a newfound happiness.
None of it was real.
I did have all of these things, but I had a worse attitude, a distorted way of looking at life and a happiness that solely depended on one person. Sadly, though, I was oblivious to it all. My friends and family, however, were not. I hurt them a lot during that time, and it is something I deeply regret. They realized that I was not myself and tried so many times to loosen the blindfold that I so stubbornly kept tightening. I refused to hear anything negative about my friend, and as a result, I also refused to see anything negative. Despite my refusal, I was being broken day by day and piece by piece. It was never enough for me to notice. I would just go home every day wondering why I felt so terrible. I was too caught up in their charm to realize that my feeling of self-hatred was due to subtle insults, a sense of superiority,= and the impossible feat of being good enough for someone who really never paid enough attention to care.
Then it was like everything came crashing down around me all at once. I cannot really pinpoint the exact moment or the last straw. It is almost like I just woke up, looked around, and realized that I had hit rock bottom. Suddenly everything was so clear to me. I saw the person that I had become and I knew that it was not who I wanted to be. I needed out, and I needed out fast.
I will not sit here and lie to you and pretend that things immediately changed. It took a while, and to be honest, I am still going through the process. See, people will go on for hours about how great it will feel when you are finally free and when you can breathe again and carry on with your life, but no one tells you truly how hard it is to let go. No one tells you that it is okay to take your time, and most importantly, it is okay not to be okay for a while.
There will be days and nights where you want to call or text or visit. You will look through your old photographs and wish you could go back to your oblivious days. If you are like me, you will even try to go back to that place and try to ignore that yucky feeling in the pit of your stomach telling you that something is wrong. You will hear their voice or see their face in a crowd and you will want so badly to embrace them and pretend nothing is wrong. You will hear your friends talk about them and, despite how sad you will be, you will have to fake a smile. You will be crippled with sadness. It is okay. Cry. Laugh at your old memories. Look through your old photographs. Punch a wall if you have to or scream into your pillow. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to not be okay. This person was probably the biggest part of your life. You should not be expected to get over them in the blink of an eye.
And while you laugh, while you cry, while you punch a wall or scream into your pillow, join me in also working to get over that toxic person in your life. For once, do not just halfheartedly commit to it. Trust me, I have been there. I have said a thousand times that I was done, and then I ran back with arms wide open the next day. Instead, take baby steps. Start by reminding yourself every day why you are doing this. Delete a single picture of them every day. Take them off of your wall. Talk to them a little less every day. Find things to distract yourself with, whether it be your favorite show or movie, hanging out with friends and family, going to the gym, or even studying. Most importantly, surround yourself with the good people in your life who make you feel like your old self. Then work hard to get back to you, because that person is beautiful. That person is unique. That person is worth it.