I always hear tales of people healing from a broken heart, the strength people found in difficult times, and epiphanies people have experienced during their day-to-day life. These are moments that have changed them. It is incredible that we as humans endure these situations with such resilience. I’ve experienced situations similar to all of these, but for me personally, these weren’t the situations that completely changed me. It was being the person who made the mistake, the person who really hurt someone, that changed me forever.
About three years ago, at the beginning of university, I hurt someone really close to me, specifically an ex. I had drawn out the breakup, even after I knew I couldn’t be with him anymore, and we got into a cycle of breakups and reunions that ended in flames. I did my best to make him realize I was sorry and how much I cared. I’d wrack my brain trying to figure out how to make him feel better because I didn’t want him to be hurt, especially not by my hand. But the truth is, despite my pleading, he decided our relationship was over for good. No relationship, no friendship, not even a civil relationship. Coming to terms with this took a few months, but learning to forgive myself for the hurt I caused took nearly two and a half years. I hated myself long after I realized it was better that he was out of my life.
I have always been hard on myself and expected myself to be perfect, especially in terms of how I treat other people. I was raised to believe in love, kindness, and thoughtfulness. Therefore, by hurting my ex I wasn’t following the mantras I was taught or living up to my own expectations. The situation wasn’t as black and white as it seemed with him and I, but I still couldn’t believe that I’d hurt him so badly.
Before I had hurt my ex, I had only experienced my own pain. I somehow thought I was above hurting others and developed a victim-complex. Suddenly, when I was the one who hurt someone else, I went into a downward spiral and lost myself in the process. This happened partially because I’d lost him, but mostly because I didn’t understand how I could hurt someone so badly.
Over the next year and a half, I became very closed off and never talked about how I was feeling. I became very defensive, and I tried to keep all romantic prospects at a distance to make sure I couldn’t hurt anyone else. In all honesty, the only person I ended up hurting was myself. I would beat myself up, tell myself I didn’t deserve to be loved and became very angry. I went from always-the-victim to the one and only villain in my own head. As a result, I ended up attracting a really horrible guy into my life who made me believe I couldn’t do anything right. I was also pushing away a guy who really cared about me because he almost got too close.
Looking back, it didn’t help that I pretended I was okay with everything, even when people knew I wasn’t. I just pretended everything was fine, that I felt in no way hurt, and avoided the breakup topic altogether. To be honest, I felt as if I wasn’t allowed to feel hurt, only guilt. I would run into my ex and he would ignore me, and the guilt would just continue to linger. But after staring at his back every time I ran into him for a couple of years, I began to realize I wasn’t even the same girl who had hurt him. Whoever he was mad at, she just didn’t exist anymore.
Through my “guilty” years, I learned to be a more conscious and mature person. Despite not opening up to the good guy I met after my ex, we dated for a while. When we did break up, it went smoothly. He and I continue to be friends until this day. I have also learned to leave someone when it is clear things aren’t going to work out, instead of drawing out a breakup and making it more painful. I now respect myself and take better care of myself. I give attention to the good relationships I have in my life and do my best to show the people I love that I care about them. When I do make mistakes, I take responsibility for them and try to improve. I listen more, I think about my impact on others, and I still take care of myself still in the process. I focus on growing.
I guess the major thing I had to realize was that no one does everything right all of the time, no matter how much pressure you put on yourself. When I realized that I had to forgive myself, accepting that I can’t always be perfect and that I would make mistakes was the hardest step. I had never had a problem forgiving people, but forgiving myself was new territory. Before, I had seen my actions through a black and white lens of right and wrong that dictated whether or not I was a good person. But suddenly I was beginning to realize that I, like everyone, was capable of good and bad.
The good and bad in our natures is much more blurred than I thought. I am likely going to mess up more over time, and that’s okay. So long as I am doing my best and learning from my mistakes, I can grow instead of dwell. There is no need to beat myself up for years because of mistakes ever again. At the point where I decided to finally forgive myself, I could see how far I had already come. I believe I am a much better version of myself because I have learned how to be more compassionate with myself.
Even though I made a mistake all those years ago, I wouldn’t take it back. If I could take back the hurting someone part, of course I would, but that wouldn’t make it a mistake. Looking back, that mistake needed to happen to help me grow. I don’t regret it anymore. It’s made me a more reflective person, a more responsible person, a more mature person, a humbler person, and someone who loves other people as much as she can. I am leaving university a much better person.
When I finally forgave myself it felt like the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I have never looked back since, but I still decided to write this article because I know how hard it is to forgive yourself when you have done something you never thought you could do.
But you must. By showing yourself compassion you will begin to grow, you will learn to reflect and forgive, and you will find yourself moving forward. So, in the words of Shannon Yvette Tanner: “Forgive yourself, you are not perfect. Show yourself grace; you are still learning. Show yourself patience; you are on a journey.”