If you had asked me what mental state I was a few months ago, I would have described it as nothing short of a “Sex and the City” episode. No, I wasn’t like the girls strutting around the streets of New York City in designer boots or having mimosas at fancy bars, but if the perpetual state of confusion and pain in relationships shared among the girls was a “mood,” then yes, in fact, that was my mood.
My current relationship is the most serious relationship I have been in thus far, yet for some reason, it felt the hardest to digest. Wanting to be perfect for a man who meant everything to me consumed me. I wanted everything to be right and perfect; I wanted to be enough. So the further we delved into our relationship, I started to discover that little things, such as seeing his phone light up with a Snapchat from other girls and sometimes even the sheer mention of another girl’s name, made my face twist. The more I was exposed to this, the more flustered I became. In my mind, I always jumped to the worst scenario possible. Call it over-imagination or wrecking anxiety, it was always the same conclusion: he’ll leave me for her because she’s just better.
You see, this is the hard truth that nobody tells you you’ll face in relationships. You always see the flip side of the coin, with cute Tumblr couples quotes and John Legend’s “All of Me” playing, but you’ll never see the chaos that’s our own insecurities. Why? Because we’re consistently suppressing them. I kept blaming the feeling of misery because of my lack of trust in my boyfriend, when in reality, I was the problem. I couldn’t love myself enough to feel confident and secure in my own relationship. In fact, if there was anyone to blame for all the sleepless nights and ugly crying, it was me. I was my own bully. I was constantly placing myself under a microscope. Was my hair too frizzy? Was I not smart or pretty enough? Was my lack of passion for my boyfriend’s favorite Japanese cartoons a problem?
This was my entire mindset for me for at least 3–4 months until I had finally decided enough was enough. I started reminding myself what I loved about myself, by writing positive affirmations in my planner. I went out to find activities that I enjoyed. Most importantly, I learned about myself. I figured out what made me sad, angry, scared, happy. The more in tune I became with myself, the less bothersome the things that once ate at me became. I was finally happier with my boyfriend because I wasn’t worried about other girls, but rather in love with us!
When we’re faced with dealing with our insecurities, it’s so easy to give in the towel and let ourselves hurt. Here’s my thought on this: let yourself hurt as much as you want. Cry your eyes out if you have to and talk about it with as many of your close buddies you want because at some point you’ll realize that if you can handle that much pain, you can handle twice as much happiness. Just like I did, you’ll seek ways to learn how to love yourself, how to do the little things for you and most importantly, how to understand yourself enough to finally discover that you are enough! I’d like to think that being insecure in my relationship was a blessing in disguise. It taught me that change was a necessity and that the change started with me. Had I not realized this important lesson, I don’t think I would have found the happiness I have today in my relationship or myself.
Image provided by the author.