“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll find someone.” I hate those six words, and yet I can’t seem to stop hearing them everywhere I go. Most of the time it’s from someone in my life with good intentions, but sometimes it’s just me overthinking. Those words circle through my brain like a track stuck on replay, never really going away completely. When I was younger, that phrase didn’t mean anything to me, but somewhere along the line, though, something shifted. I now actively avoid talking about specific subjects just so I don’t have to hear those six stupid words.
I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t hearing that phrase constantly. My earliest memory of hearing those words was when I was in first grade and having trouble making friends at a new school. My mom said it to cheer me up and give me hope that I would indeed find friends. I liked the phrase then, it was one of encouragement and reminded me to never give up. I did make friends just like she said I would, and so from that time until I was about fourteen, that phrase was all I could think about during tough times. To me that phrase was about finding the right person at the right time, it wasn’t exclusive to just one ‘someone.’ It wasn’t until much later in life that I realized the real meaning of it, and I wish I hadn’t.
The first time I realized there was another much deeper meaning behind this phrase was in middle school. It was during a conversation at lunch and one of my friends made an off-hand remark to me when the subject changed to boys. “You won’t get this but that’s ok. You’ll find someone.” This remark stung me into a confused silence. Didn’t I already have someone? Was I not sitting with all of my friends? Were they not someone?
After that moment I heard it everywhere I went, at school dances, sleepovers, family events. It seemed that everyone was interested in my love life except me. I wasn’t against liking anyone– I wanted to, I just didn’t. No one else seemed to realize that though, they all acted sympathetic when they found out I didn’t like any boys. And it only got worse in high school when I didn’t date. Everyone’s automatic response is “Oh don’t worry, you’ll find someone,” which of course made me worry even more. If it’s ok and not a big deal like everyone keeps telling me, then why do they start with “Don’t worry?” That just makes me worry more. I already know I’ll find someone. Why do people have to tell me not to worry about it?
After hearing those words, among others, for so long, I started to think that there was something wrong with me. Why had I never dated anyone? What if no one ever likes me? What if I’m somehow broken? These are just a small portion of the questions that flew through my mind late at night when I couldn’t sleep, or at parties where everyone started talking about boys, and eventually just all the time. This phrase consumed my entire life and I was so worried all the time about “finding someone.” I felt like I was racing some invisible clock to find MY someone, only I didn’t know who they were or when the time ran out.
This phrase quickly became my biggest insecurity and the thing I hated most about myself. Why can I not find someone? I was swamped with endless ‘whys,’ and at some point I got so tired of it that I decided I didn’t need anyone. I would just focus on myself until the right person came along. I told myself that when I found this person I needed to be the best version of myself because they might be my only chance.
The thing I didn’t realize for a really long time is changing and growing for this imaginary person just made me more lonely and hate myself more. I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing and changing for me so I could be better, but that wasn’t true. There was always a part of me that was waiting for someone to come along so I wouldn’t have to worry anymore.
The things about high school is when you don’t date, people will do one of two things. They go “good for you, focusing on yourself. You don’t need anyone anyway,” or they say “Oh, don’t worry, you’ll find someone.” Either way, they always make it about this mystery person that you’re supposed to find or need. The first couple of years of high school I wasn’t that bothered by it because I had finally started liking people so I knew I wasn’t broken. I was okay focusing on myself and school until someone came along.
The last two years however something shifted once again. There were no more congrats or good for you on not dating, there were a lot more serious talks about boys and love and how it’s ok to not date anyone. Which is ridiculous because I just spent 15 years of my life being told I would find someone and now I’m supposed to be ok with nothing? And if they really thought it was okay. they wouldn’t need to tell me that.
Society has this huge pressure put on love, dating, sex, and relationships that everyone now equates it with self-worth and success. I think what happened was everyone thought I was just going through a weird phase and then I’d find a boyfriend. I didn’t, and it wasn’t because I didn’t want one, there was just other stuff I was doing and it just happened to not work out. Nobody saw that though, they saw a girl without a boy, more specifically without love, and they wanted to help her because society tells us that’s not right. I’ve even seen this happen to girls who have dated previously, if they’re single for too long people start to worry and assume and tell them that things are ok. Which bothers me because if someone has to tell me that this thing is okay that usually means it’s not.
My senior year it got to the point where most people assumed I just didn’t want to date, or just wasn’t interested in love and they made all kind of remarks about it. None of them were intentionally hurtful, they just have a set expectation of love and worth and I did not fit that.
I didn’t know how to tell these people that I wanted to find love and be in love without getting sympathy for it. For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me and that I couldn’t love someone or I wasn’t made to, or maybe it’s just not for me. Then I found myself having these feelings and I was so excited, probably a little too excited, because I was on track to finding someone and being normal and I’d never had to hear that stupid phrase ever again.
That’s not how it ended up happening though. These feelings that some people believed I would never have just hurt me more. I had all of these feelings and this love to give to someone but everywhere I turned it just seemed like no one wanted to take them. I didn’t understand what was going on- these feelings I’d been fighting for were here, but where do they go now? I didn’t and still don’t have an answer to that.
I used to sit in bed at night and just wonder why no one wanted my love, maybe it was the wrong kind or the wrong time or maybe it just wasn’t for me. It got to the point where I was willing to just give it away and not ask for anything in return, I tried that for about a month and it did not go well. I was just so tired because everyone used to tell me that it was ok and that they knew how I felt but they would still use those six words so I’d end up feeling more alone.
I just wish there wasn’t such a pressure to find someone. I wish people would encourage me to find myself first and normalize not being in relationships until later in life. It’s ok to want someone and to want to be in love, but I’ve discovered that if romance and validation through love or a relationship is the only thing you want and the only thing you look for, then you’ll never be happy and you’ll miss out on a lot more than awkward high school relationships.
I still hate those six words and count the days that I don’t hear them. However, I’m coming to a better understanding of my life and how love fits into it. I still have lots more questions than answers but that’s life I suppose you’ve just got to live each day and see what happens. You’ve just got to keep moving on until you find whatever it is you’re looking for, but don’t get hung up on what other people expect from you and whoever that ‘someone’ is.