Don’t worry, I’m not here to make you feel bad for making jokes about OCD and organization and cleanliness. In fact, even I make those jokes from time to time, because when people joke about it they’re referencing the version of OCD society and stigma created, and not true OCD.
OCD is actually a disorder characterized by obsessive and excessive thoughts that lead to repetitive behaviors or compulsions. These thoughts are often called “intrusive thoughts” which basically means they squeeze their way into your mind all the time, for no reason, and do not go away. Intrusive thoughts are what I personally struggle with the most and the only way to really stop them is to think on them and learn to live in spite of them. OCD looks and feels differently for everyone it affects.
Here’s a list of some of my symptoms that tend to help people understand better:
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As a child, I used to immediately count and organize my Halloween candy and then write down how much of each kind I had. If I didn’t do it, my whole life felt out of order.
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If someone pinches my arm I feel uneasy until the other arm is pinched.
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I am extremely superstitious and do random things like cross my fingers whenever I’m nervous or uncomfortable (like when I’m speaking in class or the entire time I’m in a movie theater since the Aurora shooting in 2012) as if it protects me. I eat things like M&Ms and chips in even numbers so I can chew one on each side of my mouth. If I ever see you get anywhere near a white lighter I might combust.
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Whenever I’m driving and I change lanes or make a turn that crosses traffic, I see and sometimes hear cars ramming into me. If I’m not 110% sure no one else is near me, I flinch a little when changing lanes.
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When I send important emails I have to check that I really sent them and that they went to the right person multiple times.
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I constantly assume that I’ve missed my exit when driving and usually put GoogleMaps on, even if I’ve made the same trip 3 times in the past week and know where I’m going.
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I used to unlock my phone every few minutes just to check that I cleared out all of my apps (I grew out of this one, like many others).
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I worry that if I don’t unplug my laptop before bed it will catch on fire and often find myself getting out of bed to check on it.
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Sometimes when I’m talking to people, the only thing I can focus on is making sure I call them by the right name, even with people I am really close with. It’s such a weird fear, like why would I randomly call my best friend someone else’s name?
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Putting on my left sock first, and then taking it off because I always put the right one on first and what if it gives me bad juju or something?
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I constantly worry and convince myself that my loved ones secretly hate me.
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Touching something with one hand and having to do the same with the other.
As you can see, many of these things sound silly and are just minor inconveniences. The part that sucks is not the act of having to pinch my other arm to “even out the feeling” or having to take my shoe off and put the other one on first, or even having to check my blind spots 18 times each. The part that sucks is the constant, unrelenting fear that if I do not do these things something bad will happen to me or someone I love, and the feeling of discomfort and mental unrest.
My OCD comes and goes in waves. I deal with it every day, but since I’ve thought like this for my entire life, I am used to it and don’t let it consume me. I never even knew that the way I think was weird or different than anyone else until I was about 14 or 15 years old. I had found a Youtube video of a girl describing her symptoms and literally felt like a whole new world opened up. I often feel bad when I try to talk about OCD and my scary intrusive thoughts because I lived with it for so long and never really second guessed it. I figured I was just a person who was always nervous, overanalyzing, and scared that every little thing was going to kill me. But realizing why I have these thoughts has helped me take control of them more. Instead of letting my thoughts start fights between me and my boyfriend or even just make me feel really scared and sad, I remind myself that it’s probably my mind creating problems in my head and rationalize before acting. I challenge myself and try to do the things my brain tells me are dangerous, like leaving my laptop plugged in, just to prove that it’s alright. I remind myself how rare it is for these thoughts to actually come true. I literally just let my brain tell me whatever it wants to and then do everything I can to prove them wrong or breathe through them. But every now and then, my OCD as a whole intensifies and becomes extremely difficult to brush off.
I’ve found it tends to flare up the most when I am undergoing a lot of changes, mostly because my intrusive thoughts thrive on fear and any small chance of something going wrong. Any social anxiety I have spurs from my OCD. I am always nervous that my voice sounds weird, or that people are looking at me because there’s stuff in my teeth or my hair looks weird, or that everyone is judging me for simply existing. The only way to really get myself out of these fits is to keep living every day and just wait until I come to terms with the change and find myself in a new, comfortable routine.
The most important thing I’ve learned from my OCD is that I cannot and will not ever be able to change the way I think and do things, but I can force myself to move on from it. The thoughts can’t be silenced and that’s okay because I’ve learned a new way to combat them every day.