Two weeks ago, I was suddenly deprived of Bachelor in Paradise when the sixth season ended.
Bachelor in Paradise picks members of The Bachelor and Bachelorette franchises and brings them to Mexico. Each week, there are either two more men than women or two more women than men and at the end of the week, every member of the gender that has less people chooses which people they want to spend more time with. Two people end up going home and the next week, two more people come to the beach, known as Paradise.
Since Bachelor in Paradise brings together the biggest villains, memes, and fan favorites, there are a lot of strong personalities on the show. In my expert opinion, to really “win” Paradise is to make yourself as relevant in a “there’s no real reason I’m famous” way as possible.
This power ranking is determined on relevance, survivability, and not making me want to smack them.
39. Cam (Hannah’s season)
Cam was creepy on Hannah’s season, but the producers really thought it would be a good idea to bring him to Paradise. Clad in a leopard print shirt and his catchphrase “ABC: Always Be Cam,” he instantly became one of the most cringe-worthy people on television. What type of grown man has a catchphrase?
38. Christian (Becca’s season)
I fully had no recollection of Christian’s time on Becca’s season but when he pulled up to Paradise, he was nothing but trouble. Christian really took his anger to extremes and a poor piñata was the casualty.
37. Nicole (Colton’s season)
Nicole was really trying to become the next Bachelorette, and she failed miserably. Instead of being relatable, she came across as whiny and weepy. Nicole somehow got worse since being on The Bachelor.
36. Blake (Becca’s season)
Blake is a self-made villain. He led girls on and truly made an entire mess of everything at Stagecoach. If we found out that Blake and Chris Harrison had a thing at Stagecoach, I would not be surprised at this point, TBH.
35. Jane (Colton’s season)
Jane liked hot sauce and that was all we saw of her.
34. Kristian
Kristian was Demi’s girlfriend and was there for the sole reason that the Bachelor franchise is trying to look “woke” without actually having to do a season with an LGBTQ lead. Kristian contributed nothing to the season and it felt useless to have her there.
33-32. Chase (Jojo’s season) and Kevin (Hannah’s season)
Apparently, they both were on Paradise this season. I don’t remember seeing them at all.
31. Clay (Becca’s season)
Ugh, Clay was so annoying! He couldn’t get over Angela and was only looking for someone to give him more protein powder as he lamented his failed NFL career.
30-28. Bibiana (Arie’s season), Analeise (Arie’s season), and Jennifer (Ben’s season)
This group of multi-season returners didn’t make much of an impression this season and were all sent home their first weeks. Nothing much to say beyond that.
27. Luke S. (Hannah’s season)
Luke S. was more interesting when he was fighting Luke P. Those who were the casualties of their season’s villain never really do well on Paradise.
26. Sydney (Colton’s season)
Sydney was cool before she started slut-shaming Hannah.
25-22. Tahzjuan (Colton’s season), Whitney (Colton’s season), Hayley (Ben’s season), and Revian (Colton’s season)
This is the group of forgettable women from Colton’s season who just sort of existed on this season of Bachelor in Paradise.
21. Matt Donald (Hannah’s season)
I remember nothing about Matt Donald’s run on Paradise besides the fact that he sweated profusely and wouldn’t shut up about Bri being a model. Total creep — really, really sweaty creep.
20. Dean (Rachel’s season)
Dean grew the world’s worst mustache, only bathes in lakes, and lives in a van. The fact that they let him back on national television is a miracle in itself.
19. Bri (Colton’s season)
Bri faked an Australian accent on Colton’s season and then pulled up to Paradise. She didn’t really do much on Paradise except be objectified by Matt Donald so she’s just here on this list.
18. Onyeka (Colton’s season)
Onyeka knew when to leave Paradise, so she left when she realized she wasn’t going to find love. She also spared America from another week of Cam.
17. Kristina (Nick’s season)
It seemed like Kristina didn’t understand the rules of Bachelor in Paradise for the entire season.
16. Caitlin (Colton’s season)
Caitlin was the only person who avoided the Blake drama, but she didn’t do much besides reject Blake, so half a kudos for her.
15. Connor S. (Hannah’s season)
At least he’s good looking? Demi’s impression of him was spot-on.
14. Caelynn (Colton’s season)
Caelynn like dudes that are terrible for her, which is a real bummer since no one should like dudes that are terrible for them. Drama follows her because she picked the likes of Blake and Dean… it was a big yikes. But Caelynn is now achieving her goals, except instead of the fantasy suite, she ended up in the van-tasy suite.
13-12. Chris (Emily’s and Andi’s seasons) and Katie (Colton’s season)
This was Chris’ sixth season on the Bachelor franchise and this was easily the most successful for him. He and Katie spent Paradise together living in anonymity. They apparently “worked out their problems” with Chris Harrison on the reunion, which was the most staged thing of all time, but I’ll let it slide this time.
11. Hannah G. (Colton’s season)
Hannah G. and Dylan are the cutest couple to come out of Paradise. She would’ve been closer to the top of the list if she didn’t spend so much time with Blake. I spent the first three weeks just hoping she and Blake would go home. But Hannah G. redeemed herself, so go her.
10. Wills (Becca’s season)
Wills left Paradise too early, I will say it. A pure soul like him was never going to survive long in Paradise, but at least his hair looked amazing.
9. Derek (Jojo’s season)
Derek came to Paradise and had two failed romances. You just have to feel bad for the guy, to be honest.
8. Angela (Nick’s season)
Angela is a bad bitch. She truly came on this show just to look hot and judge her ex-fiance. She’s petty in all the right ways. Much respect for Angela.
7. Tayshia (Colton’s season)
I loved Tayshia on Colton’s season and I wanted her to be the Bachelorette, but not all dreams come true, America. Tayshia and JPJ made the strangest, yet most attractive, couple in Paradise. Tayshia truly proved herself to be one of the only people in the franchise with a brain when she left both JPJ and Derek after their fight. Both were extremely immature and that fight will go down as one of the most ridiculous and meme-able of the entire franchise.
6. John Paul Jones, AKA JPJ (Hannah’s season)
John Paul Jones is either too keenly aware that he’s a meme or not aware enough of this fact. After gaining rapid popularity on this past season of The Bachelorette, he came to Paradise in a speedo and began reciting poetry to prove that he isn’t dumb. Plus he caused the iconic “don’t insult my intelligence, Derek” fight.
5. Jordan (Becca’s season)
Jordan was Demi’s sidekick in making fun of every single person in Paradise. He was never going to find love this season, but it was sad to see him go after his fight with Christian. Rest in peace to the piñata.
4. Stagecoach
The most iconic noun of the season. Stagecoach delivered on all of the drama and I had no idea that the country music festival existed before I watched everyone begin fighting over what went down. If someone took a shot every time Stagecoach was mentioned, they would be dead.
3. Mike (Hannah’s season)
No one is allowed to say anything bad about Mike Johnson. He’s just a man who was screwed over in not being named the next Bachelor, trying to find his fourth queen.
2. Demi (Colton’s season)
If Wells has become the resident bartender, Demi has become the commentator of The Bachelor. Opening the season with “I’m Demi from Demi’s season of The Bachelor” was the most accurate statement ever made on the show. Demi took this season on and did not let anything slide past her wry humor, making her a phenomenal contestant.
1. Dylan (Hannah’s season)
Dylan went from a rando in the Bachelor franchise to an instant fan favorite. He spent all season just chasing Hannah G., and it was pure and beautiful. The world just wants Dylan to be happy.