Growing up, I was always the ‘quiet’ kid. You know the kind I mean, the one who’s parents get told by the teacher, “She’s a hard worker, but she needs to participate more, put her hand up once in a while.” And meanwhile I’d sit shiftily in my seat with my cheeks going red wishing I could escape.
Especially being a Drama student, I’ve often had people question why am I doing this subject, and how do I actually like being on stage, when I’m not particularly loud or loquacious. The two things don’t seem to meld together well in their minds.
The thing is, my whole life I’ve always been taught, both unconsciously and actively, that being quiet is a negative thing. That it is a hindrance to your character and life, and something that needs to be worked on, or eradicated from yourself.
Unfortunately, this is something pretty inbuilt in society. Loudness means you are self assured, confident, and have something positive to bring to a discussion, and quietness means you are doubting the words you speak before you speak them, and are ready to be trampled on by the bigger voices in the room. And really, this isn’t completely true.
Here are just a few of the most popular misconceptions I’ve had thrown at me for being a ‘quiet’ person:
1. I have no confidence in myself or my ideas.
It’s not really a lie that being quiet and shy are correlated personality traits. I’m not going to pretend I’m not shy, because I am. But they are not the same thing. Most importantly being self-confident or quiet are not exclusive to one another. The amount of times I’ve been told, ‘you just need to believe in yourself,’ or ‘have more confidence,’ as if I don’t back myself at all. Not only is this embarrassing, but it can feel a little undermining when someone says it to you. I am not quiet because I have no self-confidence, nor because I don’t think my ideas are valid. I think for some reason, in this day and age especially when everything is screamed about both online and offline, people really take an issue if you choose to keep some of your thoughts to yourself. It’s almost like it irritates them that you don’t want to tell them everything you are thinking, and I find that really bizarre. I do have confidence in myself, and the things I have to say, except nowadays I don’t let anyone but myself choose when I want to say them. Because no one ever said that all your best thoughts need to be yelled from the rooftop, did they?
2. That I wish I was more extroverted.
This is an interesting one because it’s partially right. There have been lots of moments in my life where I have wished to be a louder person, where I’ve thought it would be easier or better or it’s what people wanted me to be and why couldn’t I just do it. But as I’ve got older I try and not get too caught up or waste my time wishing I was more extroverted or louder because-
- I’ve tried to force myself to be these things in the past and it doesn’t work. In fact it just makes you feel worse because you aren’t being authentic.
- By wishing I was these things, I was basically accepting that everyone who ever told me to ‘speak up,’ or ‘be louder,’ was okay to tell me that.
3. Being a quieter person, means I must be quiet all of the time, right?
Wrong. Very few people you meet who you perceive to be on the quieter side, are going to be like that all the time. You can say that about anything- very few people are consistently the same in all aspects all of the time. For me, how quiet or introverted a person I am depends on so many different factors ranging from my energy levels, sleep, the people I’m around or the situation I’m in. Something I’ve definitely found more difficult to overcome with this is that it’s in human nature to categorise. So if you get told you’re the quiet kid, or that is someone’s first impression of you, it becomes their only impression of you. I remember times where I’ve been much louder and outspoken around someone then I previously had been, and they’ve reacted over the top about it, as if it shocked them that I could be loud. It becomes very difficult for some reason for people to understand that just like everything else, quietness fluctuates. And that’s fine. You aren’t under any obligation to be characteristically consistent.
4. I’m not engaged or enjoying myself.
Because being quiet can sometimes come with the label of being standoffish or distant, some people can assume that if you are quiet it means that you aren’t really engaged in what’s going on, whatever the situation may be. I’ve been told to ‘smile’ or ‘cheer up!’ by people who think just because I’m not jumping up and down, that I am not having a good time. Really, it is just because I describe myself as more of an inward-processer. By this I mean, when I’m taking something in, it tends to be done inwardly, so I might not show it as extreme or externally as my louder counterparts, not because I’m any less excited or not enjoying myself. It doesn’t mean I’m not listening, or not engaging. It’s just how my brain likes to respond to things. And again, if that’s you too, that’s completely okay, and just as valid a way to express your emotion. Don’t let someone tell you it’s not.
The truth is being quiet was only ever a weakness when I let other people convince me it was. You tend to get walked on, or underestimated a lot, and understandably that makes it feel as if it is a bad character trait to have. For me it has not been about learning how to eradicate it, it has been learning to take ownership of it. My dad always told me to treat this side of my character with kindness and not abrasiveness, and it took me a while to get my head around it because I’d been so conditioned to think I was flawed. Really, he said, whether it be shyness, introversion or quietness- it is a strength and not a weakness, when you know how to use it. The same way you utilise intelligence or emotion, you can own these part of yourself, because it doesn’t make you worse than anyone else. It makes you, you.
So no. My quietness is not to do with a lack of faith in myself, a lack of ideas, or anything else you might assume. It is simply a part of who I am- not who I am all the time, and not my whole self, but just a part. It isn’t an issue for you to solve, or something I need to constantly work on.
Most importantly, it is not something to apologise for.
Honestly, if the whole world was filled with people shouting to be heard, it would be pretty exhausting.