Looking back over this semester feels like I’m in a Talking Heads song, asking myself “How did I get here?” My life is wildly different from what it was three months ago, and it’s astonishing to see how much has changed and how much I’ve grown.
In September, I was putting everything I had into a job I despised, where nothing I did ever felt good enough. I was stuck in a class with an unhelpful professor who expected an unreasonable amount of work. I was trapped in a deadlock fight with my mom that seemed to have no foreseeable ending. All of that topped with some post-summer depression put me in a rough place.
But things change. Life has a funny way of flipping you on your back just to get you to look at the stars. So many things went wrong or opposite of how I planned, and most of it worked out for the better. I learned numerous valuable lessons, and these are the few I could fathom into words.
I learned that sometimes it’s better to cut your losses rather than cling to them and put everything else on the backburner in the process. Know the difference between what you should work for and what you should abandon.
I learned journaling is the most therapeutic thing next to actual therapy, and I’m proud of how vigorously I journaled this semester. I wrote more than I ever have before, documenting nearly every struggle, setback and disappointment while also making room in between the lines for happy memories and little jokes I never want to forget.
I learned the best professors don’t care if you’re late to class, they’re just glad you came at all (shout-out to John Donoghue, who never said a word when I snuck into nearly every class late, hair still wet from the shower).
I learned the very Harry Potter-esque lesson that it’s always okay to stand up to your friends and let them know when they’ve hurt you or taken something too far. The people who love you will understand and you’ll both be better off because of it.
What’s more, I learned it’s okay to bring up past grievances, no matter how old or seemingly insignificant. If it’s still bothering you, you should say something.
I learned there is nothing, let me repeat, NOTHING you can do to make someone like you if they’ve already decided they don’t. Don’t waste your time trying to garner the approval of those who smirk at your struggles.
I learned some people never leave high school, they just carry the cliques and gossip with them through life. It’s best to avoid these people.
I learned to know the difference between those who deserve you in their life and those who think they do. Friendship is a two-way street, and if you let someone crash at your place for four nights only for them to call you the next day and tell you how inadequate your work is without offering any help, they’re probably not a very good friend.
I learned the people who love you will never judge you when you drunkenly tell them your most shameful secrets over the phone at 3 a.m.
I learned three cups of jungle juice, a shot of Malibu, an edible and copious amounts of champagne is a good recipe for forgetting most of your 22nd birthday party.
I learned not to base self-worth off of who does and doesn’t show up to your 22nd birthday party.
I learned even the most innocent of men will lie, swindle and cheat to get what they want (it was more of a reminder than a lesson, but I’ll include it regardless).
I learned even the most obstinate problems seem fixable when you reach the bottom of a wine bottle you shared with a good friend and great conversation.
I learned that if you wouldn’t accept a terms-and-conditions-love from another person, you shouldn’t accept it from yourself. Simplified: self-love must be unconditional too.
I learned when you reach rock bottom, there’s always people waiting to pick you up and put you back on your feet (shout-out to Loren Mendez, who got me my current job two days after I left my old one, and to Shelby Kluver and Diana Raspanti, who gave me a soft place to land when I was booted off the edge).
I’m in a very different place now than I was three months ago. I won’t pretend things are perfect, because they’re not, and I often find myself still reeling from the trauma of a semester plagued by headache after headache. But I have a lot to be grateful for.
The work I do now isn’t my dream job, but it’s in a healthy environment where I feel supported, welcomed and appreciated. I dropped that ridiculous class and used the extra time to focus on my other obligations. My mom and I are in a good spot and I can’t wait for her to open the Furbo I got her on Christmas morning.
Like that Talking Heads song, I have no real idea of how I got here. I mean, I know what transpired to make these differences in my life occur, but it still blows my mind how much can change in such a short period. Nothing is constant, save for change, which is the “same as it ever was.”
Here’s to hoping some of these lessons guide me through my last semester of college, and if they don’t, I’m sure I’ll pick up some new ones along the way.