Fall quarter has long since ended but I’m still dealing with the emotional damage.
I can’t recall the amount of times desperation tore at me because I was not dealing well with my classes. My rock strong resolve only allowed one little breakdown, and really, my time management was awful (still kind of is) so I was studying all the time. I don’t even know how I managed to do that when I was nowhere near caught up with the assigned readings.
The amount of times I called home, needing reassurance that I was good enough, that I was capable of being in college, had my family seriously considering my future at this school. They believed it would be better for me to be back home than to stay so far away.
But I’m a prideful creature and I would not let college get the best of me (still won’t).
So I took every day in stride, complained to my friends about my teachers and experimented with study habits. It still wasn’t enough to pass half of the midterms I took, which was a hard pill for me to swallow considering I’ve always been the star pupil.
And since I was a star pupil, I didn’t fail often. But the few times I did, I did not handle it properly. And it really showed last quarter.
I don’t think I had ever doubted my capabilities and intelligence as much as I did these past few months. Those doubts have followed me into the new quarter and that is why I have worked myself crazy. I almost murdered my computer five times in the past two weeks for running slow when I was trying to study and do my assigned reading.
When I checked my grades from fall quarter, I was upset but not surprised to find I barely passed two of my classes and failed the third. And though the feeling of failure was still present, I became a bit desensitized to the familiar pit comfortably settled at the bottom of my stomach. However, that lack of reaction and plain acceptance fueled a determination in me to do better this quarter.
As soon as I came back to start winter quarter, I quickly put to use the planner I bought during fall quarter but hadn’t used at all. I researched endless study tips to see which one felt best for me (I’m still searching for my study routine) and decided to further explore the library for a good place to study. I find myself fond of the fourth floor.
While I’m still not great at time management, I think I’ve improved so much from just a couple months ago. And I owe this improvement to failure.
I know failure isn’t a good feeling. In fact it’s quite awful. But I find myself grateful for experiencing it. It reminded me that challenges are a part of life and it has made me much better at accepting and overcoming those challenges than before. Obviously, I still struggle, but I’m not as negative about it anymore.
Without the constant feeling of failure last quarter, I would have gone on in school doing what I always did: breezing through, not really trying and, therefore, not growing as a person. I wouldn’t have been able to see what I was doing wrong and find a way to make those wrongs into rights. Accepting and embracing my failure has encouraged me to be a better student and hopefully a better person.