Living with bipolar disorder means sleepless nights, chaotic mornings and relentless feelings of unworthiness.
I had my first manic episode when I was 16 years old.
The state and conditions of mania can be different for each case but is usually a period of extremely high moods that can be irritable and intense.
My first episode was filled with questions – what is happening? My parents, immigrants from the Philippines, were a little distant to the thought of what mental illness can shape itself to be.
Mine circled to three things: insomnia, extremely hyper energy and racing thoughts. I couldn’t get myself to shut up, to think rationally, to sit still, to be myself. I was doing and saying outlandish things to everyone around me, I’ve never felt so foreign in my own body in my whole life.
Confused, scared and stuck – my parents decided to bring me to the hospital.
This is where my bipolar journey begins.
Although my first time being hospitalized was when I was 16, I wasn’t formally diagnosed till I was 17. A surge of crushing depression came straight after that. I’ve never felt that low in my life and now, looking back, it was because I couldn’t accept the fact that I had bipolar disorder. I couldn’t bear the thought of having to struggle, to fight with this invisible disorder for the rest of my life. Nothing made sense to me.
In my head, I thought, out of all things God could’ve given me, He gave me this?
Another whooping 7 more mania episodes, hospitalizations, out of body, mind and soul experiences occurred. With depression as a side dish as well. All I can say is: I’m exhausted.
Dealing with mental illness can be a full-time job, it takes a toll on not just your mental but your physical health as well. It can create problems with self-esteem and self-love. It’s tiring and it’s hard but I’m proud to say, after years of learning different ways to cope with it: it doesn’t have to be hard, it’s not a lose-lose situation. It’s a defying strength and an opportunity to grow. Dealing with mental illness isn’t a burden, it doesn’t make us two steps behind everybody else, it doesn’t make us different, it actually makes us more empathetic and gives us room to help others that are dealing with the same issues.
It’s a conscious effort always, to try and become better than your depression, to try to control your emotions so you don’t go manic – but it’s doable. I try to always do things that affect me in a positive manner like writing, going on walks, discovering new music and making mixes, being around my close friends and family, meditating and most importantly, praying.
Finding yourself when it feels like it’s the most impossible thing to do, because you lose yourself every time an episode occurs, is just another way to become better. Self-realization, and awareness is key. Once you understand your triggers, you can now identify how to steer yourself completely away from them. You can replace those previous things in your life with things that bring you joy and affirmation.
Like everything else in life, it’s a process. A delicate journey to find yourself through difficult circumstances. There is hope in the most desperate of times and you will always become a stronger person because of it.
I want to share a poem I’ve written about mania here;
“manic nights:
this is not euphoria, not happiness, it is relentless. selfish. arrogant, but, yet, necessary.
it is feeling too much without the comfort of control.
it is a sleepless nightmare,
it is an unforgiving truth,
and
to keep this much energy to yourself is not purposeful, not empowering, but, yet, necessary enough to realize that it is a reality that is unfair to unpack,
what is meant for you to feel will stay until you milk its lessons –
so dear mania,
you’ve taught me that rest never meant staying still.
that still wasn’t equivalent to physical, but a mental state in the midst of its given chaos.
if chaos was a language, you’ve showed me that I was fluent.
that fluency was the flow, the direction that i craved yet never attained with you by my side.
and you stayed by my side, through the episodes of world shattering realizations and truths that can’t be tamed.
i realized i could never be tamed when i drank you in my system, it was always a chase.
and I have taught myself to believe I was
crazy,
psychotic,
unworthy
whenever you made your appearance.
i leave the door open now,
for my mornings to awaken without you sleeping beside me passed out from a night of exhaustion and unarmored imbalances,
it’s time for you to disappear for good,
but like a soul tie,
you will come back like an old lover,
and I will reintroduce myself,
and show you all the things I’ve learned
without you.”
If you’re dealing with mental illness, I hope you find strength in everything around you.