Sitting in the doctor’s office that day, I was speechless. I had been in serious back pain for about six months, but after being told it was only a torn muscle, my only choice was to suck it up. That’s what gymnasts did, and with college scholarships on the line, I didn’t give myself a choice. The news was bad: stress fracture in my L3 vertebrae…three months off…no shot for college. Gymnastics was my life. Those words appear in the vocabulary of almost every athlete, but for me, how could it not be? The 25 hours a week of training after school, the pain, the intense conditioning and the tough days couldn’t be endured unless I made it my life. And at this moment, it seemed like my life was over.
To an athlete, having your sport taken away is about the worst thing that can happen. I mean, think about it. That’s your family, your support system, your passion and in a second it can all be gone. I think a lot of athletes can agree that their sport becomes their identity; my fun fact in school was always ‘I’m a gymnast’ and at school that’s all I was — my teachers knew when I missed a Friday it was because I was traveling to a meet out of state and nobody questioned when I came to class with skin that was ripped off my wrists and bruises everywhere. It was something I was proud of, and although it got tiring at times trying to explain what I did to people who would never understand, I liked my role.
Very early on in my life, I began to tie my worth to being a gymnast. The sole purpose of my day was to do everything I could to get one step closer to a spot on a college team or I risked disappointing myself and everyone around me. The culture of gymnastics is not as sparkly as the leotards we wore; we are constantly chasing perfection that is impossible to attain. The power dynamic between coach and athlete is often one based on fear, and since gymnasts are usually so young when they start, they don’t know any better. A lot of gyms force their athletes to practice through injury, fatigue and mental blocks; my teammates and I always had a deep bond because we were doing something so hard together, and we knew nobody else understood but us.
The first few weeks of the injury were hard and full of tears. I didn’t know who I was without gymnastics, and the future I had always planned for myself was in jeopardy. I remember crying to one of my coaches and being so confused that he wasn’t as crushed as I was. Does he not understand what this means? All this work I’ve done for the past eight years was wasted and I have nothing left. The summer went on and I was still in the gym every day, stretching and supporting my teammates. I went to summer camp with my team and learned a lot about who I was when I didn’t have my gymnastics skills to speak for me. A second visit with the doctor presented another setback: an extra two months off and a back brace that left me only two months to prepare for my senior season. (Let me just say, that back brace was so uncomfortable, and wearing it under my school uniform was borderline more painful than the fracture in my spine.)
I don’t know when the change came, but somehow by the end of the injury, I didn’t know if I wanted to compete in college anymore. I could finally put on a backpack again and cut my own food without my back hurting, not to mention actually having time to properly rest. I got a glimpse of what my body and my mind felt like if they were healthy, and the sport I would once risk my health for was not necessarily worth it anymore. Let me be clear, this change did not happen overnight. I ended up making a comeback for my senior season and I still left the gym crying more days than not because I had unrealistic expectations for myself but going away to a school without a spot on a team was a little easier to swallow. I was at peace with leaving the sport, a day I had dreaded for years and a part of me was ready to step away.
My advice to all athletes is to force yourself to step away for a moment and see what happens. Although injuries suck, they will either reignite your love for your sport or, like me, they will help you to realize you are in an unhealthy situation. At least for gymnastics, a lot of times the athletes don’t know how much the culture of the sport affects them until they take a look at it through a different lens. Thinking back now, I don’t know how I did it. Yes, gymnastics made me the person I am today, and I am so proud of that person, but when I look back, I tend to remember the bad more than the good and I wish I stepped away sooner. That back injury helped me to realize there is more to life than just gymnastics and had that not happened I think my life would look much different than it does right now.
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