Confessions of the Seasonally Depressed

Being from Los Angeles, California, has given me so much over the years, from beach days all year round to seeing a Kardashian at every corner. When I decided to go to school at the University of Oregon, I was so excited to be in the cold and wear cute, warm clothing. But, the thought of seasonal depression never crossed my mind, nor had I ever heard  of it. Honestly, I thought it was a myth; what’s wrong with a cloudy day. At home, in LA it was a novelty to just have one, versus the following days that would be so hot that I literally had to jump in a pool to cool off. I’m here to tell you that in no uncertain terms, seasonal depression is not a myth, and right now, it’s hitting me pretty damn hard. 

With the pandemic and global warming both at their peak, I went home not just for Thanksgiving but an extended winter break. And to nobodies surprised it was like summer all month long. Shorts and t-shirts every day, air conditioning on, and pools were heated. So coming back to school for winter term was quite an adjustment; I went from sunny days to weeks on end without the sun. God, I miss her. 

I have decided that 2021is not only going to be the year I get in shape, but also the year I start to make a name for myself. Unfortunately, seasonal depression didn’t like that plan. This has been such a struggle for me in recent months. It’s always a battle between what I want to do and actually attainable on these days. Every day, I wake up forcing myself to work out, and then by 1 pm, I am burnt out. I have no energy, nothing. I cannot even touch my computer, because it causes me too much anxiety about school and my future. This is extremely discouraging to an overall happy person and creative like me. I have so many expectations for myself and the kind of work I want to put into the world yet, this sadness takes over and puts me in bed at 7 pm. Not even my 50 dollar sun lamp could solve this problem. 

While some days I can’t even lift my head off my pillow, I am trying to fight this one day at a time. Setting small goals for myself and being proud of the work I did that day when I know that I could have easily given into my depression and laid in bed for the rest of the day, ignoring all my responsibilities. I have been dealing with this pressure and feelings on and off  for three years now, and I know that finding something to distract myself from the way I feel is much easier to said than done. I am just here to let you know that you not alone and this is more common than you think. And maybe “the sun will come out tomorrow.”