Intro
I want to move forward
No more drinks all day, no more breakdowns, no more dumb feelings
I need help
At least I can acknowledge it unlike you
It Is a crumbling pit of despair
I can’t even roll out of bed and have the strength to get up
Where is the bottle of Vodka?
My friends worry about me
I am no where to be found
I can’t even find myself
I need therapy
War
You curled up against me
Covers drawn to our faces
You whispered
I have missed your face
As may hand traced your lips and eyes staring into your green eyes
I knew you weren’t home
I was your home
But it wasn’t mutual
I have now hurt you
the way you hurt me
The funny thing is
“Im not ready for a relationship”
Is complete bullshit
You just don’t want to grow up and deal with our reality
When I left you
When I left you it was the hardest thing I’ve done in a while
I broke
No, you broke me
The things you said
The things you did
They hurt
Im such a sensitive person that it consumed me
It wasn’t until two months later I started to reconstruct myself
It took me a while but i have made progress
It took me a while to realize that there is a life without you
It took me a while to realize you weren’t my person
Even if I wanted you to be
As bad as I wanted you to be
I turned to the things I criticized you for
The things I yelled at you for
But its okay, because at least I learned
I learned to not become the person you became
I learned to acknowledge my emotions
I learned that when I left you
I became a better person
Cross my mind
Some nights you lose a piece in the midst of chaos
A piece so highly valued
Or so you thought
You are left with that empty brittle feeling that if you are touched
You might just crumble
How do you shake the feeling?
You reach for the boxed wine sitting on your desk
Your escape
Along with the sad music blaring in your ears
It is not that you are broken anymore
It is that you feel empty now
Me and You
there’s so much of me in you
the way we act
the way we talk
the way we think
why is it so hard to let go?
you were the best part of me
i miss the way you would curl up next to me
when we had a long day or simply a nice intimate moment
they say i should be over you by now
but i’m not
i’m so far from it
i don’t know how to let the best part of me go
i cling to those memories in hopes that we will rekindle that love
My Person
Losing your person is more than just letting someone go
It is rewatching those movies that remind you of better days
It is listening to Sparks by Coldplay in the dark wondering if they miss you
It is trying to repair the broken road in hopes of a better future
The craft of mimosas to get you drunk to feel normal
Lies
You called me one night to tell me you were sorry
Little did I know that all the words were lies
You spilled this beautifully crafted perfectly worded speech about being sober and how you were ready to make amends
The psychological damage you have left over the months is horrid
I still question, how do you live with yourself?
ive lied to myself telling myself you will change
ive downed myself into this blonde self, nose pierced, day drinking girl
i am not me
Im a lie
The person you created without even noticing
I am you now
I loved u
There was only one you
Thats why I replace you with the juul and bottles to crack open
To sleep with peace knowing you won’t show up in my dreams
How does one do?
Mixed up in toxins
Crumbling in anxiety
I try to sleep it off
But you are there
You yell
Whats new?
You always yelled
Why do I still love u
Falling asleep
Our giggles could be heard for miles
Legs intertwined
“You’ve got jokes today”
Your voice echos while you play with my hair
My head lays on your chest
I could hear your melody heart beat
I could fall asleep right now
You awake me to finish homework and remind me you miss me everyday im not with you
Time was no longer applicable to us
You made me feel whole
Intermission
In the midst of growth, I broke
They don’t tell you about the part where in the midst of growth you’ll random feel all the feelings you have been running from
The hit you like the way you hit me
Unexpected and with no reason
I am a firm believer in not owing anyone an explanation but I still feel like you owe me one
Why?
How do you carry yourself knowing all you did?
Simple
Booze and drugs
You must sleep safe and sound
Unlike me
Where you manifest yourself into my dreams turning them into nightmares to remind me of all you did
Here I am
With boxed wine and a juul
Simply the only way I can sleep now to run from the torment you did to me
Memories
I miss crawling into bed with you
Nicotine pen in hand
Covers up to our heads while we ponder life together
Tender “I miss you” kisses
The kind of kisses that make you smile and feel warm inside
I miss so many thing right about now
I am confused by it
I question everything after you
I cannot find comfort in anything
Except
These poetry lines that ripple through my head
Starting over
They don’t tell you about the days after
They don’t tell you how everything will remind you of them
You speak of them as if they are still there
One could only imagine the ideology of moving past someone in a healthy manner
I cannot
I love you
The footsteps that trail behind
two steps behind
Where are we going?
Moon child, only you know
My mind leads me to you
Back to your bed
To feel those tender oh so loving lips
But those footsteps that trailed
They stop me
My consciousness trails behind to stop me once again from the inevitable
Growth
Time has passed
The sun is gleaming and the windows are down while I sing the song we use to sing together
I dance around in the t-shirt you once owned
I took back all you stole from me
Including my sanity
You see me now whole and complete
now you want me back
I no longer need or crave you
To be utilized
Through the lines
I found myself
And lost myself
Only to stumble across this beautiful soul
Starting over
None of it was easy
Although nothing is perfect right now
I can find peace in the chaos
Months of tears, pain and raw truth
But I know who I am and what I am capable of
No longer the one to blame
Just the one who grew
From Marina:
I would like to thank every person who has stood by me while the world seemed to crumble over me. This portion of The Unraveled Series is to exemplify no one is alone with what they are dealing with and acknowledge abusive relationships in all forms it may occur. I hope these poems help you see the light at the end of the tunnel as writing this portion over a year has done for me. Lots of love.