Quarantine Frustrations: A Year in Review

As life would have it, I find myself in a sudden quarantine, a year after the initial Covid-19 lockdown. Sitting in my room, as I await my Covid-19 test results, I scan my room looking for something to entertain myself with. My eyes land on my couch, on the left corner of my room, right next to my window. I have a flashback: March 13th 2020.

I was lying down, balling over the sudden changes in my life while my friends played a board game on the coffee table in my room. I had received news earlier that day that school was closing down, that my boyfriend had been placed in a three week lockdown and that the borders to my home country, Mexico could close at any moment. My friends asked if I wanted to play with them to get my mind off things, but I was too overwhelmed. Comforted by the present of my dear friends, I closed my eyes and listened to their voices as they started playing Catan. Exhausted from crying all day, I fell asleep. A welcomed break from the rush of emotions and tears that day brought.

 

I was crying, not because something awful had happened to me, but because of the uncertainty; the thought that something awful could happen like not being able to go home, a break up, financial strain, illness, or even death. Now, a year later, going into a sudden lockdown from a Covid-19 outbreak in my place of residence, I didn’t cry, I didn’t panic, I didn’t dwell on the changes a lockdown would bring. 

Given, the severity and scale of this lockdown cannot compare to what the entire world was going through a year ago; but for someone like me, keeping my cool over any kind of uncertainty is a win.  I’ve never been good with uncertainty, I’m a perfectionist to the core. I make plans far ahead and I’m expecting things to go exactly as planned. When they don’t, I feel like the world might end. As I think back to that March 13th 2020, another thought pops into my mind. 

Maybe this isn’t true about me anymore? 

When I got the phone call on March 12th 2021 stating I had to go into lockdown for an undetermined amount of time, I sighed, got my things together, went into lockdown and kept working on the essay I was writing before that unfortunate call. That’s it, no crying, no fixating on all the small and big changes this lockdown could bring. 

You could say I’ve just been habituated to lockdowns.

 What else is new, am I right? 

 

Well, I think it’s much more than that. I have slowed down. I don’t plan ahead most of the time, and I’m okay with not knowing what most of my future looks like! I have no plans for this summer…I’m boggled as to what my relationship will look like next year when we do long distance… and no one knows what school will look like in the fall. That ‘s okay. 

 Things will be resolved.

 I will be okay, regardless. 

Uncertainty is my lifelong companion… we might as well get acquainted. 

A year ago I would have laughed at anyone trying to calm me down with those words. Now, I know they are true. I think back to everything that has happened this past year, from staying indoors for 2 weeks at a time to being diagnosed with endometriosis and being hospitalized during a global pandemic. It ‘s true. 

 Things were resolved.

 I am okay. 

Uncertainty is my lifelong companion… and we’re comfortable with each other. 

So, yes, quarantine is frustrating and I still want to yell at the walls twice a day. But at least I can say with pride that I have come out of this year more resilient and stronger than I ever could have imagined. 

 

• COVID-19
• growth.
• lockdown
• resilience