Having hope for love without over-romanticizing it
Since birth, I have been a proud hopeless romantic. Consuming every cheesy romantic comedy known to man with friends and my mother, and all while wearing an “I love Jake Ryan” sweatshirt as my Friday night uniform, watching “Sixteen Candles.” From harmless middle school crushes to high school fantasies and college realities, love has always been a hot topic among my closest friends and loved ones. While having hope for true love is inspiring, navigating a dating culture that often prioritizes convenience over commitment can feel like an entirely different story. So, how do hopeless romantics survive the modern dating scene without abandoning their belief in love? By decentering men.
Let me hold your hand while I say this: men can be evil. While not all men are, time and time again, I’ve been disappointed by the audacity some men seem to possess. Simply, an amazing man is just an average woman. Expectations that are embedded into my standards come from how my friends treat me and how I allow others to treat me. As said in the film “The Perks of Being a Wallflower,” “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Hearing that quote can be a punch to the gut or a sigh of relief. But having high standards should be normalized; whether you’re pursuing a life partner or something more casual, you still deserve to be treated with respect.Â
My college self knows better than to believe in the highly scripted Hallmark romance that I’m still, admittedly, the target audience for. I still read about love and watch my friends fall into their version of it, but I never want to chase it. While this is clichĂ© and can be annoying to hear, it still rings true: love will come when it’s truly your time. In your day-to-day life, stop wondering if your outfit would be attractive through your English lecture crush’s eyes, only ask if it is in yours. Sometimes, I catch myself wondering what that prolonged eye contact with a stranger at Memorial Union meant. Then I remind myself that it probably meant nothing to him, so why am I making it mean something to me? Women are often conditioned to give people chances they haven’t earned and put those same people on pedestals, even after they’ve repeatedly shown us who they are. We have to put our Jane Austen books down and fully comprehend how others treat us.
Honestly, some of the best moments in my life have happened when I wasn’t thinking about men at all. Getting dressed up because I love an outfit, going out with my girlfriends without secretly hoping to meet someone or making friends with someone simply because I enjoy their company. I want to romanticize my life without needing a romantic partner to do it. I want to be excited about the little things, chase opportunities, make memories and build friendships without wondering how any of it makes me more desirable to someone else. There is so much freedom in realizing that my life doesn’t have to be a waiting room for someone else’s arrival.
But there is a cure to all of the delusions we make out of nothing. Decenter men from your life. I view men as friends, not as the potential for something more, but as buddies. The healthiest version of your life is focused on you, not what the mediocre balding man from your economics lecture thinks, because honestly, he’s probably not thinking about you at all. While this is a tough wake-up call, the film “He’s Just Not That Into You” has splashed cold water on me and woke me from my trance. If someone genuinely likes you, their actions shouldn’t leave you constantly questioning where you stand, let alone having to remind him if you have a sister or not. So, walk the street confidently and vibe to your amazing playlist, not overthinking what the frat pledge to your left thinks about you.
Yes, we have to give men some credit here. Men can be good; they can treat women right, but that’s the entire point. They are capable of loving, but unfortunately, some often choose to do wrong in situations you should never tolerate.Â
Sue me; I still listen to 80s music walking to work, smile at strangers and sometimes embarrass myself in the pursuit of connection. I make a dad joke to the strangers in my lecture, hoping to become friends or small talk in the Starbucks line, gaining connections with the love that already exists within me. Love exists in numerous forms and is so much more than romantic, so stop putting the hairy man you met at the bar on a pedestal.Â
Additionally, decentering men will help you get one step closer to finding the good ones, the men who don’t see you as an object, but as someone to truly respect.Â
So, find what you’re looking for, even if that means going on countless Hinge dates that you’ll laugh about with your friends the next morning.
Have hope for love, but on your own terms and within your own boundaries. Never let the possibility of being loved by someone else overshadow the love that already exists in your life. You can still be a hopeless romantic without making romance your entire personality. After all, the best love story you’ll ever have is the one you’re writing for yourself.
Decentering men might just save your life.