Women who are just starting their careers while also being in a relationship often find themselves caught between two major aspects of their lives, constantly facing societal pressure to choose one over the other. This expectation raises an important question: why are women still made to feel like they have to sacrifice their personal lives to pursue professional success, or, rather, give up their ambitions to maintain a relationship? Why is it that, today, we are even expected to make this choice in the first place?
Why do we feel compelled to make a choice?
We live in a society dominated by patriarchy, which sometimes makes it easy for us to place this pressure on other women—or on ourselves. Women have always been viewed in society as caregivers, the ones who maintain the family, while men are portrayed as the providers, the workers expected to bring home a living. The rights women have won are changing this dynamic of gender roles, and as a result, women who prioritize their careers are often viewed as “odd” and as a problem to be solved.
This does not mean that women who aspire to build a stable romantic relationship and a family are wrong; however, it increasingly seems that society tries to reinforce these stereotypes in order to create a polarization between these two possibilities, which is absurd, given that women can indeed achieve both at the same time.
According to Victoria Regina, a 24 year old psychologist, we can observe these gender roles even in college majors; the fields most closely associated with caregiving—such as nursing and education, among others—are predominantly composed of women. The point that Victoria raises is that we need to consider why this choice seems to be so much more necessary for women. Often, it is not the relationship itself that conflicts with one’s career, but the unequal distribution of time, responsibilities, and opportunities. “I believe the issue is understanding why, for so many women, love seems to require a greater sacrifice of themselves”, says the psychologist.
How today’s politics shape tomorrow’s women
It is important to recognize that the current global political climate significantly influences the pressure women feel to choose between their careers and romantic relationships. In recent years, we have witnessed the rise of far-right movements around the world, alongside growing opposition from the left. At the same time, social media has amplified political rhetoric, including conservative views on women’s roles in society.
These narratives may influence how young women envision their futures, leading some to prioritize relationships and put their careers on hold, while pushing others to focus on professional independence and step away from romantic relationships altogether.
Nevertheless, Victoria points out that we need to be careful when claiming that this necessarily leads women to prioritize their careers over love—or vice versa. She claims that when certain political movements present the ‘traditional’ family as the only legitimate model, they end up symbolically limiting women’s possibilities for existence. For many women, the pursuit of financial independence and building a career can represent a form of autonomy and security. Being able to support oneself financially broadens one’s options, including the possibility of leaving an unhealthy relationship. “I think there’s a difference between not wanting to be in a relationship and not wanting to be in a relationship under conditions that require giving up one’s autonomy”, says the psychologist.
These expectations can begin to take shape long before women enter the workforce or their first serious relationships. According to Victoria, girls receive conflicting messages from an early age about what it means to be a successful woman.
“From a very young age, they are bombarded with messages about what it means to be a successful woman. These expectations can end up turning into an endless list of things they need to achieve in order to be considered successful women”, explains Victoria. In addition, she explains that, when these goals seem incompatible, they may begin to view these choices as opposites: ‘if I prioritize my career, I might miss out on the chance to experience true love; if I prioritize a relationship, I might lose my independence’. This can lead to anxiety, guilt, and a feeling that there’s a deadline for achieving certain things.
Unlearning the expectations we grew up with
It’s important to reiterate that we shouldn’t tell women to “choose wisely” when it comes to partners in order to achieve a balance between their careers and romantic relationships, but rather to align their expectations with their partners and set their boundaries without fear of seeming too demanding.
Victoria also emphasizes the importance of questioning the tendency to place the responsibility for relationship dynamics on women, even when they are encouraged to “choose a good man.” She argues that women should seek out female perspectives, whether through books, media, or other forms of representation, as a way to challenge the male-centered narratives that often shape society’s understanding of what is considered normal.
By consuming and drawing inspiration from other women’s experiences, women can broaden their perspectives and recognize that there is no single way to build a fulfilling life. Ultimately, there is no “right choice.” Perhaps it is time to stop thinking that we have to choose between love and career in the first place and start breaking down the societal expectations that make us believe we cannot have both.
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The article above was edited and translated by Ana Beatriz Carvalho Sapata.
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