To what extent are our relationships really ours?

In the media nowadays there are so many rules and expectations of what love should look like. Like love is something that should look the same for everyone. I couldn’t help but wonder, if we’re all so accepting nowadays that everyone is different, why is it so hard to accept that love should look different for everyone? 

The two main concepts when I think of this theme are cheating and standards. 

When it comes to loyalty and the concept of cheating, It’s important to first understand the literal meaning of this word. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, cheating refers to “ behave in a dishonest way in order to get what you want” or more informally, in the context of relationships; “to have a secret (intimate) relationship with someone who is not your husband, wife, or usual sexual partner.” But then other issues and questions arise with this definition like; What about emotional cheating?

Nowadays where media has developed so much that people don’t need to be physically intimate with each other in order to cheat, has this definition of cheating become outdated? If we dive into the reality of most teenagers and young adults when it comes to relationships and media, there are a lot of statements on apps like TikTok and Instagram that make people rethink their beliefs of what constitutes cheating or not. I think this is why it’s important for us to love ourselves before loving someone else, because if we’re insecure in ourselves, our perception of our relationships and our value system will change; the line between insecurity and infidelity will become very blurry. 

It’s also important to reflect on what you personally consider cheating. Does your partner kissing someone in the context of a game reflect infidelity to you? Or you can’t be bothered by it? Is the concept of them having dating apps infidelity to you? There shouldn’t be any right or wrong answers to these questions as they’re extremely personal. And someone having different answers than ours doesn’t make them a bad partner in general, (as long as they don’t act on it without our knowledge) it just makes them an incompatible partner for us. And this is what makes it so fun and exciting to look for our “soulmate” or the person we’re most compatible with. 

One thing I like to say to my friends is “if we’re all supposed to have the same relationship standards, then shouldn’t we just be dating anyone?” And I think that it’s very interesting how most of us believe that there’s one specific person out of eight billion that is right for us, but we all still fall into the trap of believing we should have any standard the media tells us to. 

When it comes to standards, I want to start with the concept of “If they wanted to, they would.” How many times have you wanted to do something but you just didn’t do it for numerous reasons? I think life is not as simple as that. And what happens in many cases is that people would see this concept in social media and start overthinking their relationship, even if they had no reasons to. It could sound like “Oh they’re an amazing partner, we love each other a lot, and we get along great, but then why didn’t they do/say (…)? Is it because they didn’t want to see me?” And the answer is probably no. It’s not because of that. It could. But unless there are repetitive behaviours that suggest that person does not want to see you, then there’s actually no real reason to think so. Humans are so much more complex than a simple “if they wanted to, they would”. This generalization when justifying human behaviours is creating unrealistic expectations, and a lack of general empathy in our society. Nowadays it’s very hard to simply put ourselves in the other person’s shoes without automatically assuming that a specific behaviour is a reflection of how they feel about us. 

Another issue that arises with these types of generalised standards is lack of communication. Which I find extremely ironic, because there’s such an emphasis on the importance of communication in relationships, however people don’t truly communicate their wants and needs anymore because there’s an assumption that their partner should already know them. For example, “if he wanted to buy me flowers, he would’ve bought me flowers.” I mean, maybe, but did you ever communicate to your partner that you like flowers? That you would love to receive flowers? And it’s possible to argue or feel like this is “bare minimum”, but once again, if we all consider the same things, “bare minimum”, then couldn’t we all just date whoever? Your partner might not know that that’s bare minimum for you, and it’s unfair to just not tell them, while you’re internally evaluating and testing their every behaviour to see if it passes your standards. 

A real life example of this was actually with my partner. After four months of long distance, we finally saw each other. And I was expecting him to bring me flowers. He did not bring me flowers. So, I asked him at the end of the date: “Why didn’t you bring me flowers?”, to which he answered “Oh, I didn’t know you wanted flowers. I’m so sorry.” The next time we saw each other, one month after this, he brought me my favourite flowers. So all of this comes to show how he pays careful attention and cares about what I say and want, he just didn’t know what I wanted or what made me happy. 

Therefore, I think these expectations we create without communicating to our partners, come from a need to feel chosen and wanted by them. We want to feel like they know and chose us. However, it’s important to understand that an action doesn’t become meaningless just because you expressed a need before receiving it. A healthy relationship isn’t always about spontaneously anticipating each other’s wishes. Sometimes, one person communicates a need, and the other responds by making an effort. That can be genuine love too. 

In conclusion, I think that our relationships are only ours to the extent that we let them. They’re only ours if we base them on our personal standards and desires. In order to make this easier, it’s important to understand that communicating our needs in a relationship does not make the following actions less intentional. I actually think it’s more genuine when someone truly pays attention and remembers your need, because it’s yours, it’s important to you, and you’re important to them.

• #love #relationships