“National Boyfriend Day.” Ughhhh, what even is this day? I swear it’s fake and was only created for two reasons:
- To entertain everyone who wants to see who posted someone different on their Instagram Story than they did last year.
- To torture everyone who is single.
As your trustworthy local hopeless romantic, I can tell you with certainty that National Boyfriend Day, National Girlfriend Day and Valentine’s Day are the three holidays that are genuinely the bane of my existence. There is a feeling that I can’t even describe when I wake up in the morning and scroll on Instagram (even though I know that I shouldn’t be on my phone first thing after I open my eyes) and see everyone’s story with basically the same quote: “Happy National Boyfriend Day to the love of my life.” My mood for the day goes from potentially being happy to immediate irritation.
I’ve never thought of myself as the girl who craves a relationship. I’ve always been independent and, for the most part, secure enough in myself not to let go of my own morals and values just because I want to be loved by someone else. I’m not saying that a lack of independence or self-confidence results in relationships. But a lot of the relationships that I see around me in college aren’t the healthiest, so this has sort of shaped my ideas about why someone would want to be in a relationship with a mediocre man. And on that note, I know that there are some angels of men out there, but let’s be honest with ourselves here. In college, the chance of actually finding an emotionally mature man is very slim. It’s called an “unrealistic expectation” in the real world, so it’s practically impossible in college. I would probably have better luck winning the lottery.
I think it’s quite obvious that I have my own opinions of men. So, do I even want a boyfriend? Even after seeing my fair share of unhealthy relationships, I still desire that romantic connection with someone. I want someone who I can talk to outside of my friends and family. Someone who will catch the little things I talk about, observe what makes me tick, take the time to listen to what I have to say, share my hobbies and want to learn more about my passions. I could talk endlessly about what I crave in a romantic relationship.
I know most people would think what I’m asking for is unrealistic. I’ve had people tell me that I need to “lower my expectations,” which is a whole other issue of its own. Why, as women, are we content with lowering our expectations? I understand that finding a decent man in the present day is rare, but lowering our expectations is just adding to the poor situation. Why would anyone want to change and learn to do the bare minimum if someone is going to accept them no matter what they do? Moving on from that point, I would never “lower my expectations” for a man. Being told that by people who I think are my closest friends makes me feel sick. Even though I want to be in a relationship, I would never sacrifice anything that I believe in for someone else who is entering MY life. It’s MY life and a man will not be what defines it.
Even so, now as a senior at UF, I can look back on so many experiences. But seeing all my friends have their romantic moments, I can’t help but feel that I’ve missed out on something. No matter how hard I try and how much I know that I am not the problem, I can’t help but think that maybe I am. Am I not pretty enough? Does my personality make people turn away? Is there something wrong with me? Why does everyone around me seem to have a boyfriend when I can’t even have a conversation with a man outside of a class setting?
What makes it even harder is seeing everyone around me in a relationship. When they’re not with me, they’re with their boyfriend. But when I’m not with them, I’m alone in my apartment. I know I’m being dramatic, but this is how it feels in my mind. The cherry on top is when my friends try to relate to me. Like, in the nicest way possible, there is no way to relate to someone who is feeling these feelings unless you are feeling the same way. I know that they’re trying to make me feel better, but all it does is make me feel worse. No matter how content I am with being single, simply seeing a couple hold hands makes me crave the idea of holding hands with someone.
Reading through my own writing, it might seem confusing that I’m talking so much about my issues with relationships while also explaining why I want to be in one. But the truth is that it is CONFUSING. These thoughts are so confusing because I love being alone, but I don’t want to be lonely. I think being lonely is my biggest fear, in all honesty. Being a hopeless romantic is hard work. I think reading about the world’s greatest love stories and watching them come to life on my screen are the reasons why I am the way I am. I blame Disney for where it all started. Why would they put the idea of a fairytale romance into a young girl’s mind when clearly it’s something that only stays in dreams? Maybe it’ll come true one day. For now, I guess I’ll just continue to wait for my Prince Charming.
I hope that my own reflection on how it feels to be single in your 20s and have basically zero romantic experience makes someone out there feel heard. Trust me, even when you think you’re alone, just know that you’re not. You have at least one person who can truly relate to what you are feeling.