Grand romantic gestures seem to be a thing of the past, or a concept that only exists within the media. Romance is more complicated than ever — you may start with a hallway crush, diving deeper into the talking stage, in which you start a situationship, then you can finally consider yourself to be in a relationship. With this new trajectory, however, there’s no extravagance. There’s no room for declarations of love in the middle of the football field during your homecoming game. Though the process has become much more complex, it has also become more about nonchalance and “not caring” too much while expectations remain incredibly high.
Where does all of this come from? I believe movies and books, specifically romantic comedies, are a top source. We’re constantly being fed endless information about what the perfect relationship should look like. There’s usually some big, cinematic moment when you just know the main characters are perfect for each other — like Ben and Andie’s big confrontation on the bridge in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, or Kat reading her poem about Patrick in front of her entire class in 10 Things I Hate About You (just two of my favorite examples).
In real life, however, music doesn’t swell when you kiss someone for the first time. The crowd doesn’t cheer when you say I love you. We expect our lives to reflect the media we consume even though real-world romance simply doesn’t work that way.
In addition, romance is so much less spontaneous than it used to be. With the rise of social media and dating apps, it feels more transactional and manufactured than natural. It can often leave you wondering: Am I actually attracted to this person or is it only because they liked my profile and they seem vaguely interesting? You might start planning your entire life with someone whose profile you’d only just encountered in the last five seconds, dreaming of a classic happily ever after.
My first kiss was anything but romantic. It’s not a story I’m fond of retelling, but I wanted to touch on how the standards of romance the media has created have put so much emphasis on a girl’s first kiss. It’s meant to be life-changing, earth-shattering, and pave the way into womanhood. Most of the time, this is not the case.. It can be awkward, uncoordinated, and downright gross. Everyone cares so much about a girl’s first milestone, while there is rarely any ruckus about a boy’s first kiss.
This double standard ties back into deeply ingrained traditional roles. Boys and men are still subtly expected to “conquer” women. If a man gets into a relationship with an outspoken woman, people might say, “Good luck with that one.” We are still untangling ourselves from the outdated script where men are the providers and women are the caretakers — or worse, the ones cleaning up after the things men “provide.” Interestingly, our desire for extravagant romance often comes from trying to distance ourselves from these rigid dynamics. A man “providing” can manifest as two very different sides of the same coin: controlling a woman’s every asset so she has no autonomy, or simply offering to pay for a dinner date.
Most girls still want to receive flowers every once in a while, be surprised with a gift, and feel like the lead in their favorite romcom. But the gestures don’t have to be grand; I might argue the smaller ones matter even more. The way you meet someone or have your first kiss doesn’t need to be the peak of your relationship with romance and your relationships in general. The gestures and movie moments can come later, and in many cases, the best ones take time.Â