Losing my dad at eight years old was the most life altering event I have ever experienced. Losing a parent young is a journey no child should have to endure, but unfortunately it tends to be quite common. Since I grew up without a dad, I have had plenty of the awkward “dead dad talks” and after talking with a few of my friends who also have lost their parent(s) we all come to the same conclusion: Telling someone that your parent is dead, is awkward.
The conversation
Getting to college is when I especially realized how tough it is to slip casually into a conversation that you have lost a parent, because from an outsider perspective it is not casual. When talking and meeting with new people in college, I find the topic of parents comes up naturally. It is no one’s fault, for a lot of people that is a safe and regular conversation to have. Talking about my dad is something I do not actually mind, I like when people have questions or want to hear more. It is not that I do not want people to know or do not want to talk about it; it is that you can never anticipate how the conversation is going to go.
The conversation itself is not always bad, but it can be hard to have to bring up something that feels like a big deal even if I do not mean for it to come out that way. It can also just feel weird to say “My dad passed away,” in the middle of an otherwise normal conversation. Sometimes it comes up naturally, while other times I have to correct someone who asks about my parent. Oftentimes after I tell someone, it feels like the entire tone of the conversation shifts. People usually respond with “I’m so sorry,” “That’s awful,” or “I can’t imagine.” Which I do really appreciate, and I too would respond in a similar way. But what I personally struggle with is how I now respond to their sympathy: “Thank you” or “It’s okay” can feel like an uncomfortable response.Â
Navigating responses
One of the stranger parts of telling someone your parent passed away is now feeling like you have to make them feel better about it. People tend to respond with a sympathetic “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” and I usually say “It’s okay” or “Don’t worry about it,” even though the conversation did not even make me upset. I feel like then I am stuck reassuring them that they did not say anything wrong or make sure they do not feel bad for asking. It just often feels strange when someone reacts as though they have just said something awful, and all you did was answer a question honestly. It’s a challenge to want to be honest, but also trying to avoid turning a casual conversation into a serious one.
It is not about being upset every time you mention your parent, most of the time it is just an awkward interaction I would rather avoid. I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable, but also it is not a part of my life I want to hide. I always appreciate sympathy and kind words when I tell someone, but I do wish there were a more natural way for the conversation to flow. Over the years, I have had so many kind remarks made when I share this aspect of my life and I have realized over time that it is okay to sometimes feel awkward when someone’s expressing sympathy towards you. Awkwardness is just part of navigating a conversation that most people do not know how to have.
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