Dropping out without a plan is not something Iād recommend, but itās what I did. There is a strange standard set up by society to have your life entirely figured out by the age of 18 or to know exactly what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Until last year, I was supposed to be an engineering student pursuing something along the lines of computer science. I didnāt put much thought into whether I actually wanted this path or not because I felt like facing the reality would just exhaust me and well, it did. The reality was that I didnāt know what truly interested me or what I wanted to do in college, and that seemed heavy to deal with.
By the time I could realise what was actually going wrong, I had already enrolled myself in an engineering program, somewhere far from home. I dropped out of the course within a month and came back home without a single thought or plan as toĀ āWhat next?ā
Coming home was strange. I had left because I knew I couldnāt see myself doing engineering anymore, but that didnāt mean I suddenly knew what I wanted instead.
If youāve ever been there, youāll know itās not exactly sadness. It was a drained, empty feeling that sat in my chest all day, Iād wake up and not know what the day was for. Nothing to get ready for, no clear next step. Iād drift through the hours without knowing what to do with them, and by night Iād be exhausted in a way that made no sense, because I hadnāt really done anything.
For a while, I thought I just needed another course. If I studied something else, maybe engineering would stop feeling like a mistake. So I started economics at an institution in my hometown while applying elsewhere, at least I had somewhere to go. The routine helped, even though it didnāt fix the bigger problem.
I was still confused. Iād spend hours picturing myself in a course, then find something just as interesting a few days later. Every time I found an answer, I found another question. I was so scared of choosing wrong again that I wanted to be completely sure first. But the harder I looked for certainty, the more confused I became.Ā
I directed a play, chaired MUNs, tried kickboxing, went on a solo trip, did internships and went through a heartbreak. Some days I got so involved that I forgot to worry about what came next. During this period, I got closer to my parents and I feel that has been one of the best ways my gap year couldāve shown results.Ā
But the emptiness always came back.
I would enjoy an activity and then think to myself whether or not it had been productive. I wanted some proof that I wasnāt wasting my time. Right before I left for college this year,Ā I was sitting with one of my relatives. Somehow we got onto how I used to be as a kid. She reminded me of how scared I was of everything back then. Water, swimming, being alone.Ā Then she asked me, āDo you think youāve gotten over your fears now?ā I opened my mouth to answer and realised I didnāt know. Nobody had ever asked me that.Ā
I went back through the year in my head. I never sat down and decided to be brave. Thatās what I couldnāt stop thinking about. Staying put wasnāt an option. Nobody was coming to hand me a plan. If I wanted my days to mean something, I had to show up for them, scared or not. So I did, again and again, until one day I wasnāt as scared anymore.
WHat next?
If youāre going through something similar, hereās what Iād tell you. You can miss the life you left behind without wanting to go back to it. You can feel relieved one day and doubt your decision the next. You can be scared of change. I always was and I still am, but it’s your life and you decide how you want to fear change and what you want to leave behindĀ
Something I learnt the most was: put yourself out there, wherever you find an opportunity, because it is rather harder to gain one even after there being so many of them. Try things without worrying about where theyāll lead. Even if you don’t feel like youāve crossed the satisfactory mark, it’s alright. At least you gave it a shot. For a long time, I thought the gap year was supposed to give me certainty. Well, I donāt have that kind of story.Ā
So, was the year worth it? I think so. Not because everything worked out, and not because I found the answers. I didnāt. It was worth it because it pushed me into becoming someone I didnāt know I could be. It gave me the chance to reconsider instead of continuing down a path just because Iād already started walking it. For a long time, I thought of that year as the time I wasnāt really doing anything. But I was growing without noticing, and having some genuinely good days. I was also drained, unsure, lazy and even scared that Iād made the wrong choice. Both versions of that year are true.Ā
So if youāre in the middle of your own empty stretch right now, feeling like nothing you do counts, I hope you remember this: you might be changing more than you can see. Someday someone might ask you how far youāve come, and youāll be surprised by your own answer.
For now, Iām here, figuring things out, changing my mind when I need to, and trying to be a little less afraid of not knowing what comes next. Looking back, dropping out without a plan taught me more than staying would have.
And maybe, for once, that can be enough.