Complaining is a critical part of conversational culture.
“I have so much homework to do…”
“Traffic was so bad this morning.”
At its core, what characterizes a complaint is pure dissatisfaction that something is not good enough or requires effort to fix. People complain about walking up stairs or their iced coffee being the wrong shade of brown (me included). We even complain about the people we love.
One of the biggest indicators of compatibility when making a new friend is not whether they complain, but how they complain.
I propose that some of the most intriguing conversations stem from a complaint: a harsh movie review, family problems and yes, even the color of a Starbucks latte. Still, it’s not the complaint itself that makes the conversation, but whether the complaint entertains the idea of a remedy.
A remedy isn’t necessarily a clear-cut solution — it’s a willingness to change or explore the issue at hand. It would be highly ignorant of me to suggest that people spend an excessive amount of time thinking about all the things going wrong in their lives, because frankly, nothing can go right 100% of the time. There will never not be something worth complaining about, so I cautiously ask: Why do we dwell on complaints without looking for solutions? Why do we feel deeper connections to those we complain with?
Bonding over a strict professor with a ruthless grading style may just be the best way to make a class friend. I’ve observed it, and I’ve lived it. Talking about the boring class feels much safer than asking the girl next to you a more personal question when you’re unsure how she’d react to anything beyond surface-level at your 9:15 a.m. lecture.
“He just talks so slow and monotone…”
“I know. I’m, like, falling asleep already.”
Boom. Instant friends. Well, at least elbow-length friends. Elbow-length friends is a term I coined to describe an acquaintance: not a close friend who knows the name of your middle school bully, but someone who knows your major. These are some of the most important friends to have around because they may just inspire you to join a new club or toss you an invite to a party they’re going to on Friday.
My elbow-length friends in class usually complain about an upcoming test or their roommate who is always home when they want some alone time. I find myself trying to offer a solution, one that usually involves growing closer to my elbow-length friend: “I have to study for an exam too. Would you want to study together?” or “Your roommate should really make some friends…” Then maybe we end up at a cafe doing more talking than studying, or they tell me all about their antisocial roommate who they feel bad for.
Complaining is a powerful tool used to reframe everyday conversations. When you engage with a friend’s complaint, you validate their feelings, make them feel heard and become closer to them than you realize. Humans are constantly looking for ways to bond and build meaningful connections.
Now, back to my earlier point that it really is all about how people complain. It’s easy to start resenting your stressed-out friend who seems to darken the space with their negativity, complaining about the horrible job they’ll never quit or the toxic relationship they’ll never leave. But it can be just as easy to resent your shockingly positive friend who seems to be content all of the time, covering up any ounce of unhappiness with, “But it’s okay!” Both examples reflect a kind of disconnect that can make listening to the complaint feel tiring. It becomes natural to gradually withdraw from these friends and tune them out. Why would you want to sit through an obvious case of self-sabotage or willful ignorance when you already spend so much time caught up in your own patterns?
The greatest complaints reach for a solution, acknowledging that you don’t have to stay stuck in dissatisfaction. Ask yourself why you feel the need to complain. Is it just to establish common ground with a class friend? To test if your best friend truly cares about your problems? Maybe you just need to get something off your chest.
Using my own life as a case study, I have concluded that a balanced amount of complaining can get you much further than you might think. Complaints are a universal language. So, don’t neglect those small conversations. Establish common ground with your group project members and make an effort to listen when your friend complains.