Edited by: Hania Fasih
“So, how many credits of mine will transfer?,” was a question that I found myself asking.
As much as I hated it, I was starting to realize that grade 12 me and first-year me no longer had the same opinions on what we wanted to do.
“Maybe 3 credits total; the rest aren’t going to help, unfortunately.” I started envisioning the past year and realizing that all those late nights studying and early morning exam commutes were all for nothing. Not only had I wasted a year, but now I was right back at square one.
“Everyone just has it all together, and everyone is moving on with life, while I’m wasting time restarting, and why couldn’t I have just made the right choice, and…,” my mind circled.
“Switching programs is really common, especially for first years; you can’t have it all figured out,” My advisor said.
But I had already zoned her out; I needed to have it figured out. I needed to finish university in time. I needed to make the right choices.
Looking back at this experience, I wish I could tell myself that my advisor was actually right. It could not have been possible to have it all figured out. As many of us do, we all choose majors and universities based on our limited knowledge; we think this is exactly what we want. We convince ourselves that this choice will shape us for the rest of our lives. So inevitably, when we realize that this major, this career, this school isn’t what we dreamt it was, it can be so easy to feel lost and behind.
Everyone you meet seems to have a 2, 5, or 10-year plan with exactly what they want to do, what internships they plan on getting, and what postgraduate jobs they’ll have. If they have it all figured out, why don’t I?… another question that circled my mind for a whole year.
It felt humiliating to tell people that I’m taking first-year courses while most of them are already in 3rd-year classes. It felt impossible to feel accomplished when I achieved milestones so much later than those around me. And I know that so many people feel this way; they diminish their achievements and wins because everyone around them has accomplished it already.
Getting your first internships while everyone else is on their second and third, graduating while everyone else is already established in their careers, or starting out at an entry-level role, while those the same age as you are already earning promotions. This mind-consuming worry to not fall behind is so incredibly common, yet it’s never acknowledged.
Like my advisor said, you can’t have it all figured out, especially not at the ages of 18, 19, 20, or 21. These are fundamental years to make mistakes, reconsider choices and question what brings us happiness.
It’s so easy to follow suit in a decision that we believe will give us fulfillment, but it really is okay if it doesn’t. There is no way to guarantee that you’ll make the right decision, but there is a guarantee that we will always have another opportunity. It is crucial but scary to take a step back and start over. Starting over is scary because of the sunk cost of it all, but it is never worth throwing our lives towards a decision because we already spent so much time on it.
At 20 years old, you’ve lived practically only 20% of your life; that is a mere fraction. How can you expect yourself to make all the right choices when you haven’t even experienced everything you are meant to?
In fact, a quote that stuck with me is “Life isn’t over, until it is.” To me, this quote was stupid at first because at 20 there have been at least 5 times where my life felt like it was over. Not getting into my dream university, not liking my program, not getting my dream job. But none of that matters because I was always given a chance to restart, and sometimes that can look like being “behind,” but in reality, you could be setting yourself up for a better future.
At 20 years old, no matter what choices you make, you are not behind.
You are just making mistakes, learning, and growing. Each experience is shaping you. Every day that you choose to work on yourself and work towards your goals is a day that you’re pushing yourself forward. No choice is big enough to push you behind when you’re determined to get ahead. Take your 20s as an experiment, make mistakes, give yourself grace, and by the time you’re in your 40s and 50s, you will realize you were never behind, just on your own path to wherever you need to be.