Part of this suffering may be related not only to the person themselves, but also to the story we imagine having with them. Between expectations, idealizations, and possibilities that never leave the realm of imagination, we build scenarios, develop feelings, and envision a future that suddenly no longer seems possible.
But why do we miss people we never dated? And why can it be so difficult to move on, even without a real relationship?
According to psychologist Karoline Miranda, this feeling may be related to the way we develop expectations and project our expectations onto someone. “The longing we feel, even when there has never been a romantic relationship, may be a longing for that projection,” she explains.
Falling in Love with the Idea of Someone
The idealized image we create of someone plays an important role in the development of these feelings because, when we meet someone and become interested in them, we may fill the gaps in what we know about them with characteristics and scenarios we would like to find in a relationship.
The film (500) Days of Summer portrays the idealization that the character Tom develops toward Summer. He falls in love with the person he has created in his mind, rather than with who she really is. From the beginning, Summer makes it clear that she does not want a serious relationship or commitments with labels, but Tom ignores these warnings because he is obsessed with his own fantasy and eventually becomes frustrated.
Idealization can also be understood through attachment theory, which helps explain how emotional bonds are formed and how people seek security in relationships. According to psychologist Karoline Miranda, when we become interested in someone, we may develop expectations, desires, and fantasies that strengthen our emotional connection, even when there is no concrete relationship.
Unlike a relationship that develops through everyday interactions, a romantic possibility does not necessarily require people to face disagreements, conflicts, and frustrations. Without spending time together, it becomes more difficult to get to know someone beyond the image we have created of them.
According to the psychologist, “in this fantasy, the person does not make mistakes or disappoint us.” When reality emerges, however, differences and imperfections may conflict with the image we have created.
Therefore, the absence of a relationship does not prevent feelings from becoming intense. In some cases, the emotional bond is connected precisely to what could have happened, rather than to experiences that were actually shared.
What Was Left Unfinished
Another factor that can prolong these feelings is the lack of closure. When an emotional connection ends without a definitive conversation or without expectations being clarified, a person may continue imagining different outcomes for the story.
The thought “what if it had worked out?” begins to occupy the mind, fueling thoughts about what might have been different. This difficulty in dealing with unfinished situations can be related to the Zeigarnik effect, a phenomenon studied by psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik and associated with the tendency to remember interrupted or unfinished tasks.
Although the concept helps contextualize the feeling that something has been left unresolved, it does not, by itself, explain why someone remains emotionally attached to a relationship that never materialized.
Karoline Miranda compares this process to the need to complete something that remains pending. “It is as if the brain needed to check things off a list,” she explains. According to her, something that has not been completed may continue to stimulate the mind, as though there were still a response to be found.
This expectation can also make it more difficult to reorganize one’s feelings. For the psychologist, it may be more appropriate to talk about giving the experience a new place in one’s life rather than simply “getting over” someone. “When there is no closure, this reorganization becomes more difficult because the brain keeps waiting for an answer,” she says.
The expectation that the person might return or that the story could still happen may also contribute to maintaining the attachment. In this context, silence can be interpreted as a possibility of reconciliation, prolonging the wait.
“Sometimes, the absence of an answer is already an answer,” Karoline points out.
When Social Media Fuels Expectations
Whereas distance might once have made it easier to bring a story to an end, social media allows the other person’s life to remain accessible even after an emotional connection has ended.
Viewing posts, watching stories, and monitoring likes, views or online activity can become ways of looking for signs of interest. Small gestures begin to be interpreted as possible indications that there is still a chance.
For Karoline, this constant availability can fuel a cycle of vigilance and expectation. “The brain cannot switch off because it keeps trying to find answers,” she explains.
Following someone’s daily life with whom there is no longer any contact can, therefore, make emotional distance more difficult. Every new piece of information leaves room for interpretation, even when there is no concrete evidence that the relationship could happen.
This behavior can also reinforce this fantasy , since social media offers fragments of someone’s life rather than a complete picture of who they are or what a relationship with them would actually be like.
A Form of Grief That Is Not Always Recognized
Even when there has never been a romantic relationship, the end of a romantic possibility can cause suffering. A person loses not only the possibility of being with someone, but also the plans, imagined moments, and future they had mentally constructed.
Karoline describes this experience as an “unrecognized grief,” since the pain may be invalidated precisely because there was no formal relationship.
“We can grieve what we experienced, but we can also grieve what we never experienced,” the psychologist says.
However, comparing this experience to the end of a relationship, does not mean determining which type of suffering is greater. Every experience has its own particularities, and the intensity of the pain alone does not mean that emotional dependency exists.
According to Karoline, difficulty letting go may also be related to how each person handles emotional bonds, the need for validation, or the fear of rejection and abandonment. These factors do not explain every case in the same way, but they can help us understand why some people remain attached to a possibility for longer.
How Can We Move On?
The first step in dealing with these feelings is to acknowledge that the pain exists, without dismissing it because there was no relationship. Experiencing longing or frustration does not mean someone is exaggerating, but it is important to understand what sustains that suffering.
For Karoline, one approach is to separate facts from projections. This means reflecting on what actually happened, what evidence of mutual interest actually existed, and to what extent expectations influenced the interpretation of the other person’s behavior.
“It is important to understand what is fact and what is projection. Reality can be painful, but we need to try to see it without the filter of our expectations,” she advises.
It is also necessary to recognize that the other person is free not to reciprocate the feelings we have developed. Accepting this possibility can be difficult, but it helps establish boundaries between what we want and what actually exists.
Another important step is to redirect attention to our own lives, personal projects, and the development of relationships that offer presence and reciprocity. Instead of concentrating all our energy on a hypothetical relationship, we can invest in concrete experiences and connections that do not depend solely on imagination.
Missing someone we never had a relationship with may, therefore, mean missing a story that once seemed possible. Recognizing this difference does not make the feeling any less legitimate, but it allows us to look at it more clearly.
Not every possibility needs to become reality to leave a mark. Still, learning to distinguish what was experienced from what was imagined may be the first step toward no longer waiting for a story that may never happen.
—————————–
The article above was edited by Ana Clara Bezson Dalla Costa.
Liked this type of content? Check Her Campus Cásper Líbero home page for more!