Maybe it is just midterms season and maybe I am going crazy, but… is anyone else kind of over it?
I’m exhausted from work. I’m exhausted from classes. I’m exhausted from even doing the things I love in my career like making art and teaching children.
It’s my last fall semester at Bowling Green, and I am so close to graduating. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt further away from my passion. I’ve been making bigger and better things in the ceramics, but why do I have to convince myself to drive down to the studio? I’ve gained confidence in the classroom, but why does the idea of student teaching tie knots in my stomach?
There is a copious amount of injustice, fear, and just degrading acts of humankind that causes me to wonder why I am doing all of this. Why am I starting a career in education when the Department of Education is in the process of being shut down? How can I validate safety to my students when I know, statistically, gun safety is still a major issue in public schools and is not going away any time soon? How can I feel secure as a teacher when the rise of AI has caused high school classrooms to be filled with students who cannot read above a fifth grade reading level or tell time on an analog clock?
How can I, as a woman, feel safe in a society when women like Jane Doe are gangraped at one of the most prestigious universities while the accused men only face the consequence of writing a simple essay? I can barely grocery shop without getting stressed about if my lettuce will have a parasite or if my favorite chips have a color dye that could contain carcinogens. I go to the mall and debate buying a new fall sweater only to remember how fast fashion is harming our planet. America celebrated 250 years of being an independent nation, yet in my ethnic’s class I learn about the institutionalized racism still placed in the majority of our administrative systems. Our food is poisoning us. Our education has become a business deal. Our planet has become a giant waste bin. Our morals are just gone???
So no, I cannot really concentrate on completing an assignment for class. I can barely pay attention during my lectures. I cannot fake a smile through my retail shift or even make plans to hangout with my friends. And I know I am not alone in feeling this internal turmoil.
While there are so many things in my life that I am truly grateful for, this is a part of life that no one teaches you about. I have an abundance of love, support, and care from my family and friends. However, it’s a different feeling when you are alone in your apartment, overwhelmed by the negativity of the world around you. It’s different when you have no one but yourself to tell you to get up, go to class, attend a meeting, or clock in at work.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to feel sick to your stomach about your exams, your future, and even the world around you. I’ve learned that in order to move past certain feelings, you have to fully feel them. Sometimes you can make sense of what you feel, and sometimes you just have to accept things as is.
I recently saw a post on my Instagram that said: micro joys are how we survive macro negativity. It got me thinking that maybe I don’t need to have everything figured out today. Maybe I just need to make it to class on time, call a friend, enjoy a good meal, and let myself rest without feeling guilty about it.
The world is still going to be the world tomorrow. There will still be things to worry about, things to grieve, and things to fight for. But tomorrow will also bring little moments that make everything feel worthwhile.
I think I’ll start there.