Self-Love In Its Entirety

The concept of self-love has become extremely warped by society nowadays. It’s been called everything from dramatic to direly needed. The truth, as with most things, lies somewhere in between. 

The most common definition of self-love is loving yourself as you are. However, the problem with this is that it puts an implied limit on what you are allowed to wish for in the future. It implies that you don’t wish for anything more because you are completely satisfied with how you are now. 

However, it’s okay to want more for yourself. It’s not greedy—it’s just being human. It’s natural to want growth. Many will eventually outgrow their old selves. Snakes do it all the time, and the result is a beautiful new set of scales. 

There is no clear “how-to” to finding that balance, because finding one looks different to everyone. However, the road to finding your own often involves a few familiar patterns. 

Step One: Acknowledge

First, let me say what others won’t: you are allowed to not like a part of your body. You are not obliged to feel or not feel a certain way about yourself. Emotions come as they are—they’re not things to be controlled. It’s human to feel; it’s just important to not let those emotions cloud our judgement, especially for something as subjective as physical beauty.

You are allowed to want to look prettier, and you’re absolutely allowed to work towards that goal. Critics will attack, claiming that it’s a toxic perspective, but I argue that it is even more toxic trying to affirm into a belief your mind subconsciously opposes. What is actually unhealthy is when the work towards your goals becomes dangerous, with methods like restrictive eating or excessive exercise without purpose. 

Self-improvement can build a stronger relationship with yourself, but there is a balance to be had.

Another huge part of self-love is learning: learning what you like about your body, how your body works and learning even what you don’t like as much.

Acknowledgement can be powerful, not always in the bad way as it’s often villainized to be.

It’s important to acknowledge what you may not initially like about yourself because it also lays the truth bare. More often than not, shedding light on something that bothers you shrinks the problem and can make it easier to analyze and see what is actually happening. This is especially imperative since beauty is subjective: a different perspective can change your entire outlook—in the best way.

Step Two: Realize

Self-love is especially hard sometimes because when society deems something an insecurity for women—what should be considered as disgraceful or not feminine enough—it makes it infinitely more difficult to approach a part of your body you used to like the same way as before. However, you are not obligated to change your perspective of your own body based on, in all honesty, made-up rules by society for how women should or should not look. You are allowed to like yourself as you are without ripping off hair that grows naturally or reconstructing a nose that matches your organic features. You are allowed to exist just as you are.

The most potent catalyst to insecurities is comparison, and it’s dangerous. When you compare yourself to others, especially if you start to devalue yourself because of it, you must take a moment to remind yourself that every body is an anomaly—every body has different strengths and weaknesses, most of which have been characterized unfairly as good or bad by society.

So before you deem a part of yourself as something to pick apart, recognize first if you are doing something truly for yourself or for external validation from others.

Step Three: Appreciate

Piggybacking off the previous section, frankly a lot of insecurities nowadays—hip dips, love handles, stretch marks, freckles and so much more—are absolutely insane to even consider as insecurities. 

Most are either features you are born with naturally or they’re resulting marks from organic changes your body underwent. 

Let’s take stretch marks as an example. Most of the time they appear because of very common things, like gaining weight, building muscle, or pregnancy. All are completely natural to undergo. Bodies are not meant to stay small nor are they static. They will always eventually change; to hate a part of your body that shows proof of that growth is something that shouldn’t happen. If anything, you should feel only pride.

And another thing: changing parts of your body with surgery. I think it’s a bit sad because a lot of the features you have come from your mother and father. So, by hating a specific feature that you own, you are also comparing your mother or father’s features in the same way. You wouldn’t change your parents’ features, so why should you feel that way? When you look at your parents, you see memories of family trips, rides to school and homemade meals. They’re faces full of love and labour. Why not appreciate yours in the same way?

Step Four: Lead with Patience

Approach self-criticism the same way you would react to a friend talking down on themselves. You wouldn’t let them spiral in their own thoughts or let them drown in self-loathing, but you wouldn’t completely invalidate their concerns either.

You can lead the camel to water, but it doesn’t mean they’ll drink it. 

You would likely acknowledge how they feel without saying their perspective isn’t valid. For the person themselves, more often than not, it can feel like invalidating what they feel by overwriting a narrative they’ve already led themselves to believe. 

We do the same thing to ourselves more often than we realize. 

Just as you would treat a close friend, treat yourself with grace and understanding. You may gain a new understanding in the process by chance. 

Let me illustrate: my acne is something that has stayed with me for almost eight years now. Objectively, anyone can agree acne is not something that is conventionally beautiful. It has caused me a lot of grief over the years, tears lost to endless nights comparing myself to other people with “glass skin.” 

Over the years however, having acne has inadvertently changed how I approach other people. Now, I always try to look past pure looks when interacting with someone. It’s made me value actions over looks when judging someone’s true beauty. 

This doesn’t mean I suddenly appreciate my acne. I still don’t like that I have it, and that’s alright. It’s okay to be able to appreciate the positive consequences of it while still not being able to like the actual insecurity. Both feelings can exist at once; I’m human, not binary.

Again, this journey with myself started nearly eight years ago and is still ongoing. Your relationship with yourself is the one that will likely take the longest, but it is also the most important. Because while everyone else may come and go, you yourself won’t.

So, understand this: true self-love is a combination of honesty, appreciation and patience towards yourself. It will not happen overnight, but it’s a goal that is well worth the trouble to achieve. Because if you fall in love with yourself, it’s a heck of a lot easier to love life too. 

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