Throughout our lives we encounter a variety of influential people. We formulate friendships based on our morals, sense of humor, and a multitude of factors that are shaped from as early as birth. Since starting college, I have met hundreds of new people each bringing a different perspective into my life. Through observing my own relationships, I have begun to question the influence that gender has on friendship dynamics.
Behavioral and self-report observations demonstrate that throughout childhood and adolescence girls spend more time engaging in conversations with peers (Blatchford et al., 2003; Moller et al., 1992; Raffaelli & Duckett, 1989) Through conversation, females can bond over shared personal experience, discuss problems, and understand one another’s perspectives. Some female friendships are based on vulnerability and emotional understanding. Girls prioritize intimacy and thoughtful conversation.
When interviewing one of my female friends, I asked her differences she notices when observing male versus female friendships. She said, “I think with female friendships there’s a lot more comforting. Women often share their problems with each other.” Comforting can help build a foundational level of trust that is essential to many female friendships. Within female friendships there can be a lot of analyzing. Due to this, it can be essential that healthy female friendships are built on trust and wanting each other to grow.
When starting my research, the biggest thing I observed in my own female friendships was that we had an incredibly profound comprehension of the other’s values, actions, and humor. Over time, this familiarity can help friends anticipate how one another might react to situations. Due to this understanding, women may be better equipped to recognize when a friend needs support and how to offer it. Feeling understood and supported helps strengthen trust and intimacy.
Some male friendships are built on companionship and shared experience. Researchers found that young boys engage in team sports and activities more frequently than girls (Ellwood, n.d.). Through these team activities males can bond by practicing loyalty, communication, and delegation. Even when conversations are not as emotionally exploratory, shared experiences can still help develop trust and meaningful connection. When I asked one of my male friends about the types of conversations he has with his friends, he explained that with his female friends he is able to be more vulnerable whereas in his male friendships they don’t dive into as deep of topics. However, he emphasized that this is not due to a lack of connection, it was about the different stigmas and norms surrounding male friendships.Â
One difference I have noticed between my male and female friendships when discussing vulnerable topics is how they respond. Girls are more likely to listen and validate their friends’ feelings. Whereas guys are prone to offer solutions.
As a woman, I feel there is a more intense pressure from society on how girls should present themselves. This makes feeling understood especially meaningful in my own friendships. Being understood by another person can make you feel seen and accepted which is meaningful in a society where there is constantly pressure to change yourself. This is why, when acceptance is established between individuals, friendships grow stronger because you trust the other person to see you for who you are.Â
Traditional societal expectations that emphasize strength, protection, and problem solving may influence how some guys respond to discussing problems. For some guys, the expectation to appear as strong and emotionally tough may make emotional discussions uncomfortable. Offering advice might feel more comfortable for males over open discussion.
Furthermore, it also offers a more concise solution. Something I have noticed in my guy friends is that when approaching a problem, they have a clear perspective on their opinion and are good at confidently and efficiently finding a solution. It’s not that guys are less emotionally invested, it’s that their way of expressing vulnerability and closeness is shaped differently based on societal expectations. They may still feel the same level of closeness as conversational female friendships because they show their loyalty through actions and emotional investment.Â
Male and female friendships may differ in how we communicate, establish trust, and express vulnerability. However, gender doesn’t always define the depth of a friendship. Male and female friendships can both be incredibly complex, understanding, and emotionally vulnerable, even when the ways people express care and connection are different.
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