The Concept of a Laissez-Faire Relationship

You might be someone’s girlfriend right now, at least from the French perspective. I recently came across a TikTok of a European woman and an American woman talking about relationships. The European woman described how European men never ask you to be their girlfriend; you simply are. Similar to how you never ask your best friend to be your best friend, after a certain amount of time it’s simply assumed. An interesting perspective that the ever-omnipotent algorithm placed on my For You page, but why? Well, I am glad you asked, dear reader. It is because I have been asked to be in a Laissez-faire relationship by a French immigrant who explained a similar concept to me. But what does that even mean? 

In European culture, relationships take on a laissez-faire, i.e leave it alone attitude. Many Europeans, especially the French, find it regressive to take ownership over someone. In fact, open relationships are extremely common in France. Even marriage takes on a more casual undertone; your husband may be the man you spend the rest of your life with, but that doesn’t mean he has to be the only man in your life. From an American perspective, it is truly bizarre. Although through a European lens it makes perfect sense: 

I love you, you love me, we go on dates, we spend a lot of time together, we act as if we are in a relationship, so why would I ask to do the things we have already been doing? 

The idea of “labeling” a relationship is entirely unnecessary to many Europeans, and I find that fascinating, especially from a feminist perspective. After all, isn’t an open relationship where the woman isn’t confined by the stereotypes of being a taken woman intrinsically feminist? 

From my perspective, labels hold each other accountable. I am your girlfriend and you are my boyfriend; therefore, there are a certain amount of expectations that come with that, and by having a solid agreement that is what we are to each other, we can hold each other accountable when that agreement is voided. A.k.a, I have the right to be upset. If you never ask to be my boyfriend, then go on to be with someone else; it is easily justifiable because we never made an agreement to be monogamous. This, of course, adds another factor: honesty. See, the Europeans don’t lie about their partners; both benefactors of the relationship practice honesty about the other aspects of their romantic and sexual lives. If you break that honesty, then you are truly un-dechet, or a piece of garbage. 

While I do understand that it is very easy to view this thought experiment in black and white american perspective, saying : 

If you aren’t explicitly asked to be in a relationship, you are single and if you are asked, then you are not. Any other practice or philosophy is how one gets played.

That’s, of course, how my Caribbean-American upbringing carved it out to be, but I truly believe there is a deeper, academic way to dissect this. Back to the feminist perspective, relationships often oppress women and marriage and monogamy are social constructs that are rooted in misogyny. This is true. From a radical-feminist perspective, a laissez-faire relationship is sexual liberation at its core. You get to be with the person you love without keeping them in a cage. An honest and nuanced approach. After all, it’s extremely normalized for men to cheat; there is a whole genre of music dedicated to women who have been cheated on. In theory, open relationships balance the scale. 

But who knows, maybe Monsieur French Boy is just looking for an excuse to have his cake and eat it too.

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• #relationship
• europe