Having close, supportive friends is something everyone wants but not everyone is prepared to work for. Expecting ideal relationships without putting in the right amount of effort is a common issue. Sacrifices are inevitable when it comes to the relationships that matter most in our lives, but the payoff makes them entirely worth it.
1. Figure out their love language
In case you aren’t already familiar, there are five major love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch), each of them pretty self-explanatory. Everyone has certain things that make them feel more loved and appreciated. Uncovering what those things are for your friends and then acting accordingly is one of the most powerful things you can do to strengthen your relationship. Sometimes, differing love languages can create a barrier to showing appreciation, but as long as both people involved are willing to meet each other halfway, these differences can be a bridge to an even deeper connection.
For example, my best friend’s love language is gift-giving. She loves assembling thoughtful gift baskets and care packages for the people she loves, and my birthday gifts from her are always top tier. But my love language is acts of service, and at first it was difficult for us to feel fully appreciated by one another. Even though we were both putting in lots of effort, we were misdirecting it; we were doing for each other what we’d want done for ourselves, not what the other person would most appreciate. After we acknowledged that our love languages differed and talked about what mattered most to us, we were able to speak each other’s languages. Now, when I’m online shopping, I automatically add something I think she’ll like to my cart. When I tell her I’m having a stressful week, she’ll lighten my load by helping me take care of busywork. We’ve never been closer.Â
2. Communicate problems right away
This tip seems obvious, yet remains misunderstood and underemployed. Most people (including myself) struggle with being confrontational. It’s undeniably hard to tell someone you think they’ve done something wrong, especially when you really value your relationship with them. It can feel easier to just make yourself forget about things or put off communication. But letting things build is far more toxic to relationships than more frequent confrontation. If your friend does something that really upsets you, tell them as soon as possible. Be non-accusatory with your communication, but do be straightforward. For example, “You did this, and it made me feel ___ because….” Taking care of issues as they arise instead of letting resentment fester is essential for creating lasting friendships.Â
3. Ask deeper questions
To feel truly connected with someone, you have to know them inside and out. Knowing someone on a deeper level takes a lot of work. It requires active listening, being vulnerable with each other, and maintaining a steady and genuine presence in their life. It also requires asking difficult or challenging questions that push us outside of our conversational comfort zones. Instead of small-talk, ask your friends open-ended and insightful questions, ones that reveal their core values, character, and hidden ambitions. And, with that, engage with their responses. Show that you value what they say.Â
Asking vulnerable questions also requires that you be vulnerable yourself; people are much more likely to open up when they know that you both have skin in the game. The most important aspect of the closest friendships is mutuality. Equal effort, equal care, and equal stakes.
Friendships are a mutual investment — if you want to enjoy the benefits, put in the work.Â