Walking into somewhere alone used to make me feel like I was in grave danger. In high school, whenever I went to events, my friends and I would either carpool or meet up so we didn’t have to walk in by ourselves. Coming to college was so intimidating because I knew I would have to do things alone.
One of my biggest fears was eating in the dining hall alone. I expressed this fear to my brother on the phone, who is a junior at Clarkson University. He told me that eating alone in high school is way different from eating alone in college. He said your schedule isn’t always going to line up with your friends, and it’s going to happen.
The day had finally come. It was a Wednesday, the first time I had a class until 8 p.m. I set my stuff down and then saw a girl from one of my classes. She had just finished eating with her friends and came over to me. She asked if I was eating alone. I told her I was, and she said, “I’ll come sit with you; it makes me so sad when I see people eat alone.” I appreciated her company, but at the same time it left a sour taste in my mouth. I felt like she was only sitting with me because she felt bad for me.
This just enabled my fear of eating alone even more. I tend to catastrophize. I felt like if I were to eat alone, then everyone would be staring at me, thinking I have no friends.
Once I got into the swing of college, I realized that it’s not feasible to plan my meal around my roommates’ schedule, though it’s nice when they do align. The first couple of times I ate alone were scary. I would sit in the high chairs, isolated from everyone, and try to look occupied on my phone.
I have come to realize that eating alone doesn’t mean everyone is judging me. Everyone else is in their own world. I have been trying to use my phone less when I eat alone. Instead, I just want to be with myself and my thoughts.
You are truly never alone in college. There are people everywhere you go. You share spaces and similar routines with others. I am starting to find comfort in eating alone. It’s a time of solitude. I don’t have to worry about keeping a conversation going or being on anyone else’s time.
I used to be scared to walk into places alone. It’s become my new normal. Just because I eat alone doesn’t mean I am out of place. Sometimes it’s nice to have time for myself. I am just becoming more comfortable with taking up space.