I saw a TikTok the other day about October canon events, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. The idea is pretty simple: October is the month when something happens to you. You meet someone, lose someone, make a questionable decision (or in my case, multiple), have the best night of your life, or experience something that you’ll talk about for months after.
Apparently, October is supposed to have a plot.
Unfortunately, I’ve been dreading mine.
Not because I’m afraid something bad will happen, but because I have a pretty good idea of what I want to happen. And somewhere between hoping for it and knowing better, I’ve started slowly self-sabotaging myself.
It’s a terrible feeling, knowing you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and doing it anyway. I can tell myself to be realistic. I can tell myself that if something hasn’t changed by now, there’s probably a reason for that. I can have entire conversations with my friends about how I’m done entertaining something that isn’t going anywhere. And then I go to my room and, somehow, a tiny part of me is still waiting.
So, maybe this October will be different. Maybe something will finally click. Maybe I’ll finally get an answer to a question I’ve been trying not to ask. Maybe I’ll get the text, the invitation, the moment that makes all this waiting feel a little less embarrassing.
I know how that sounds. Trust me, I’m hearing it too.
But I think that’s the thing about wanting something badly enough. You start finding ways to justify it, even when you know better. You turn mixed signals into possibilities, inconsistency into bad timing, and the smallest gestures into reasons to keep hoping. You convince yourself you’re being patient when really, you’re just afraid to accept that the thing you want might never happen.
Then October rolls around, and suddenly social media makes you think that you have a whole new reason to keep waiting.
I don’t think I’m the only one doing this. I think a lot of us are walking around waiting for something to happen to us, something big enough to make the uncertainty of being in your twenties feel a little more manageable. We want the relationship, the friendship, the night out that turns into a story we’ll tell for years. We want the plot twist. We want proof that we’re moving toward something, even when we have absolutely no idea what that something is.
Social media makes it so easy to believe that everyone else is getting theirs.
You see the couples planning their Halloween costumes, the friends posting pictures from nights you’ll never hear the full story about, and the people who somehow always seem to have something going on. You’re happy for them. Really, you are. But sometimes there’s this small, uncomfortable feeling underneath the happiness, a little voice asking when it’s going to be your turn.
I’ve felt it. I’ve felt it while watching other people have the very things I’ve been trying to convince myself that I don’t need. I’ve felt it while pretending I’m perfectly fine with uncertainty when, if I’m being honest, I’d really just like someone to make things clear for once.
Maybe that’s why the October canon event has gotten under my skin. It makes me feel like there’s still time for something to happen, like the month isn’t over and neither is the possibility. I know that’s ridiculous. The calendar doesn’t owe me a love story. October has no idea what I’m hoping for.
Still, I keep looking for signs.
And that’s the part I’m tired of. Not necessarily wanting something, but letting the possibility of it dictate how I feel. Letting one person’s attention determine whether I’m having a good week. Letting an unanswered question take up space in a life that has plenty of other things happening in it. I can recognize every bit of it and still find myself doing it again the next day.
I wish I could say that I’ve decided to stop. I haven’t. I still want the text, the unexpected night, the person who makes it clear that I’m not asking for too much.
I still want my October canon event.
But maybe I don’t want to spend the entire month trying to force one into existence either.
Maybe something will happen. Maybe it won’t. Maybe I’ll get the ending I’ve been hoping for, or maybe I’ll finally have to stop waiting for it. Either way, I don’t want to keep turning my own hope against me. I’m done convincing myself that if I just wait a little longer, things might become what I’ve always wanted them to be.
October is still happening, whether I get my canon event or not.
And maybe the hardest part is learning to let it.