I’m currently at a crossroads in my college career, as many before me have decided: the overwhelming, existential moment of choosing a path forward. I’m feeling the pressure to choose between three different choices, all of which could move me forward on very different trajectories of life, settings, people who surround me, and affect my well-being (in an emotional, financial, and societal sense). I am between being rational, following what I think I would be best at, what I would make the most money within, and a challenge that may end up being a combination of the two. Through this article, and in the next couple of weeks of thought and discussion with advisors, peers, and professors, I hope to get a bit more confident in my next steps.
At this point for me in college, when I think about my future, I feel a push toward direction balanced by an acceptance of the unknown. I am certain of the things that matter most to me, the ways in which I find meaning in life, and the thought that no matter what, if I don’t love my career choice, I could always keep pushing and make the most out of the things placed in front of me. I am confident in the things I value most: my family, my friends, and the emotionally intimate relationships that I have and will ever potentially have within this life. With these values, my concerns of choice can only weigh so much (or so I keep reminding myself). Within these relationships, I have grown, leading me to be further nuanced through my own perspectives and understandings.
A simple but guaranteed aspect of life is that I will always meet new people who continue to broaden my own perspectives, no matter the place. So, I must go along in this life, playing the game of society. Play the part of the job, while still hopefully making a difference and being a part of something that feeds a piece of my soul. Importantly, a friend reminded me that our career is not the entirety of us – or our identity. There is so much pressure to be the best, or find the best job – but the reality is that to be happy individuals, we must have so much more than our careers. My biggest hope is that through whichever path I choose, I am fortunate enough to travel and get exposure to different cultures and different perspectives, and have simple conversations with people where they tell me their greatest passions and their loves, which give their own lives meaning. To hopefully then be able to learn from those within these different areas, anywhere in the world, and add further nuance to the things that I believe and love myself. There is so much to learn, and so much to see in the world. Through my own creation of meaning I can move forward without doubt of choice. So what is the meaning I hope to get out of these choices?
What makes me feel the most like – me – aside from my own relationships and the things I am interested in? The moon and the mountains. The reminder that we are temporary. When I look at them, I am reminded they were there far before me, and they will be there far after me. So no matter how much pressure I put on myself to make a decision, let alone the “right” decision, I can’t stress it all too much. I must take a step back and look at the big picture. Think about the things that are much larger than myself, and the things that truly matter in life to me, all while trying to keep balance and take care of myself no matter how much I want to change the things around me and the systems in place. Through everything in life, I must be realistic and aware of my own power and importance, so I don’t get lost in my own self-importance or ego. Within (self and external) pressures placed on myself, I must remember I cannot hold the weight of the world on my shoulders. I must allow myself to flow through the choices I make and what life puts on me – there is only so much planning that I can do.
I almost wish that someone would tell me which direction to take. So then, I can move forward and have something to push me other than my own wants, which are (seemingly) everywhere. Philosophically, perhaps, the real choice within this is deciding what my own talents and passions are, and how I could positively impact society – no matter how small. I believe that my coping throughout the choices will be apt, so it’s really about choosing one. Through all of this analysis, however, I understand I am enormously fortunate to be able to choose. Consequences are due no matter which choice, and the weight of each, I believe, could be overcome as well. So, I must (as many of those I am in conversations with are sharing) listen to my heart and mind, and make the choice for myself. Allow myself to be flexible, but still push for the dreams that perhaps along the way I thought were no longer attainable.
I feel that over time throughout my academics, I have chosen something without looking at it from every aspect of my life. I have chosen and continued on a “plan” and been adaptable to the shifts. But I really want to figure out what my initial goal within all of this was. In the next few weeks (and hopefully throughout my life), I will be attempting to connect to the person I have lost a bit along the way – or at least hadn’t prioritized as much. Going back to the books, listening to music, writing, watching my favorite movies, listening to my favorite songs, and continuing to have conversations with those around me – and build confidence towards whichever choice I end up making. As it doesn’t have to be the right one, I just (for myself) want to think on it for as long as I can, and make the best choice for the moment. Senior year has been pretty existential and preparatory, but there’s no other way I’d have it. My best is always changing, day by day even – but I’m still here and I can still listen to myself – and my heart.