Sometimes being in a long distance relationship can feel lonely. When it seems like everyone around you is constantly with their partners, going on dates, and spending endless time together, it is inevitable to feel a sense of disconnection.
No, my boyfriend doesn’t live across the country. He doesn’t even live in a different city. He lives somewhere in my distant future, awaiting my arrival. I am not currently in a relationship. I am not sure if I even want to be in one. This cycle is endless and my emotions fluctuate. To be quite blunt, it often sucks feeling like the only one entering my twenties who isn’t dating. I know this isn’t true but it’s easy to believe. This trap is easy to fall into because, when things don’t work out as planned, we often find it easier to single ourselves out and judge who we are. While it is natural instinct, the rumination only heightens the feelings and worsens the outcome. The reality is, your future partner does lie ahead.
Sometimes it feels painfully pointless to have faith in that. Hearing cliche sayings like “trust the process” or “focus on yourself” becomes monotonous and impatience floods in. As repetitive as these words of wisdom are, starting to actually comprehend them makes a huge difference. Coming to that understanding yourself can definitely take time, but it’s a journey well worth taking. So how does one get to that conclusion on their own? It’s easier said than done, but enjoying the process of getting to know yourself before getting to know a partner truly changes us for the better. If someone were to ask you right now, “who are you and what are you looking for?”, would you have an answer you are confident in? For the longest time, I didn’t. I wasn’t sure what genuinely mattered to me or what I wanted in life. Fortunately, the enlightening world of being single has taken me on a profound journey to figure it out.
Spending more time alone and allowing myself to feel and understand my emotions has led to so many positive mindset shifts for me. Hobbies like journaling, painting, discovering new music, and exercising have begun to fulfill areas of my life I didn’t know needed to be fulfilled. While I enjoy these things on my own and value spending time with myself, I’ve learned that not being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to exclude yourself from sharing experiences with others. Another struggle I’ve had with being single is believing that if I wasn’t exclusively dating, I couldn’t date at all. Meeting new people and learning about their goals, dreams, and backgrounds is part of life, and arguably one of the most beautiful aspects of it. From every partner, romantic or platonic, I’ve chatted with, I have internalized new feelings, realizations, and aspirations for my future. By getting to know others’ personalities and ways of living, you start to develop an understanding of what you’re looking for and what you’d rather stay away from. A good friend of mine often tends to remind me, “all experience is good experience, even bad experience.” Everything we observe and undergo becomes lessons we remember and use later. Whether it means realizing you value someone with similar career goals or discovering that you can’t stand a certain hairstyle on a man, being single and putting yourself out there can teach you a lot about what you want.
When you are in a relationship, you are dating someone and spending time getting to know them for who they truly are. When you are single, you are dating yourself and spending time getting to know yourself for who you truly are. Both are important, but the latter should take precedence before being healthily able to commit to the former. Sometimes, the idea of being single can seem worse than the reality of it. Although it’s human nature to desire partnership and reciprocated love, it’s also in our biology to fulfill self-actualization. As young college women, it’s often difficult to understand that this should be our priority before relationships. In a society where both can thrive and coexist, when choosing one, choose yourself. It’s not selfish to long for self-development, yet it’s also not foolish to long for a partner. Both are valid and both can happen with the right mindset and openness to experiencing, having patience, and setting positive intentions.
Just like any other college student with an abundance of past experiences, I feel qualified to share my advice to others who may just need to feel seen. Eventually, we will all find ourselves and also find the person we are waiting for. It’s exhilarating to be young and hopeful for the future and unknown that’s ahead of us. This life is filled with so many opportunities to flourish and prosper as a person and as a partner to someone else. It’s more than okay to want to find your person right now, but it’s also vital to understand that not currently dating isn’t necessarily a negative. Being single doesn’t mean being lonely. Lonely is a decision that we make for ourselves and it only extends our situational perceptions of pain. Actively choosing to view solitude as an opportunity to better understand ourselves and others can completely change our perspective. These times are crucial for personal growth, so when we do finally meet our future partner, we are in a healthy mindset and environment to look back at our pasts with gratitude and look forward with excitement.