There is a certain sense of closure in understanding the past. In comprehending where you come from and how that innately shapes who you are. It seems that within America, heritage gets blurred together if your heritage is more complex than one or two ethnicities and locations. It gets muddled together until you are simply just “American.”
On a surface level I am American, I was born and raised here so by all definitions I am in fact American. However, on a deeper level I’m a combination of different locations, traditions, ethnicities and languages. Some of which I know little to nothing about but long to understand and connect to. While growing up in America, I hold a deeper connection to places I have never been to yet inherently come from. Aligning more so with places I’ve dreamed to visit far more than the place I’ve resided in my whole life.
Discovering pieces of yourself that you know so little about is something incredibly beautiful yet at the same time, painful. The curiosity of heritage while simultaneously being oceans apart is a whole new level of homesickness I didn’t know one could experience. Being homesick for places I haven’t called home or even truly stepped foot in is overwhelming and confusing, but at the same time extremely peaceful. Having a connection to a place I am miles away from can offer comfort as I know there is someplace that I may one day be that I have held a desire to travel to for years.
“Homesickness; a feeling of longing for one’s home during a period of absence from it” – New Oxford American Dictionary
My period of absence has been my whole life and while majority of the time I feel perfectly content, deep down there is a feeling of unease, longing, and pure discomfort that never quite leaves me. I’ve grown accustomed to the feeling, as it has long accompanied me throughout my life, without my knowledge. However, as I learn more about my heritage, the people and places I come from, the feeling inevitably grows.
Maybe I’ll leave and finally set foot on the ground that makes me ache and long for an odd sense of closure, but for now I remain homesick for a place I’ve never been.