The 21st century arrived, bringing with it a whole new technological world, filled with fresh opportunities but also unfamiliar challenges. Gen Z, the children of this new era, are now experiencing adulthood and the highs and lows of relationships and love, but in a unique and challenging way. With that in mind, the central question nowadays is how flirting and dating have changed with the rise of social media – are we unlearning face-to-face flirting?
how did online dating come to be?
First and foremost, we have to understand how this new form of flirting works. Let’s take a trip down memory lane to the first online dating website. Match.com,was launched in April 1995, paving the way for today’s popular dating apps. Back then, the idea of finding love on the internet, while people were still getting used to emails and Yahoo, was seen as a sign of desperation: how could anyone fall in love just by seeing a few pictures and chatting online with someone they had never even met?
Well, look at how the tables have turned. Since Match Group revolutionized the dating scene, online flirting has become the norm. The company now owns some of the world’s biggest dating apps, like Tinder and Hinge. Of course, things are a little different now from the 1990s. Nowadays, liking Instagram stories, adding people to your Close Friends list and even reacting to stories with emojis, have all turned into not-so-subtle ways to show interest in someone.
The internet made it possible to bridge distances, creating spaces that allow people on opposite sides of the planet to get to know each other. However, the immediacy, individualism, fast pace and constant search for validation that characterize the young people who have grown up with the internet, can make online dating superficial. Even more upsettingly, these factors also threaten to erode crucial social skills that make flirting in real life possible – an essential part of building a long-lasting relationship.
Running from rejection and controlling how you’re perceived
Rejection is the common denominator almost everyone fears – especially when it comes to relationships. Whether we realize it or not, we often try to avoid it. A research cited by the American Psychological Association, suggests that being rejected can hurt in ways similar to physical pain and affect not only our emotions, but also our cognition and physical health. That’s why we’ve embraced online flirting, since it creates many barriers between us and this kind of pain.
When we “hide” behind a phone or computer, it’s easy to feel safe and shielded from the vulnerability of getting to know someone and opening up to them. “The apprehension about what they might think may be less intense because you’re not interacting face to face, and if you get a negative response, you won’t see their expression”, says Jéssica Pinheiro, a psychologist specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy.
The psychologist reports that her patients aged 18 to 27 have been struggling with insecurities related to embarrassment, fear and anxiety when flirting offline, often affecting how they see themselves. “Face to face, rejection leaves you more exposed… in-person, the other person sees you more realistically – your appearance, your mannerisms, the way you talk – and that can reinforce the idea that being rejected confirms that you’re simply not good, nice or interesting”, says Jéssica.
As we grow used to having time to write and rewrite, thinking twice before sending a risky text or liking a story, and editing messages so that we fit the persona we believe the other person wants, it can be challenging to let go of control over the situation. It’s especially hard given how our perceptions of our own worth and appearance are often tied to the impossible standards for bodies, personalities and lifestyles portrayed in social media today.
But the psychologist warns just how harmful that desire for control can be: “Trying to control your own image can reinforce the idea that your true self isn’t good enough and can’t be seen as it really is. In other words, every time you have to put yourself out there, you’ll feel insecure.”
Hookup culture: the need for a quick and shallow fix
Then, it is important to consider that flirting online is much faster and more convenient than flirting in person, meaning that people have to put less effort into it. The superficial, purely physical and noncommittal “relationships”, that have become increasingly prevalent on the internet, are part of the so-called “hookup culture”. It can be seen as a symptom of our constant need for instant gratification – and how it has infected the way we engage with one another.
The truth is that these fast-moving relationships can give you the false impression that you know someone better than you do. “…Blessed be the messaging apps. I’ll just say ‘Hi, how are you? I miss you’ and believe I’m nurturing a relationship”, says Jessica. Considering how quickly we move in and out of talking stages on social media, it’s easy for relationships to stay superficial and for us to become a little too lazy when it comes to building something offline.
If that crush doesn’t get the hint or takes too long to respond, we often just refresh the page and move on to the next one. So why would we bother going on dates or actually making an effort in person? “Every relationship requires investment and time, from the shortest to the longest-lasting ones”, says the psychologist – highlighting that, no matter how much we avoid from commitment or responsibility, as human beings we need deep connections that can only be built if we’re willing to take the time.
What have we lost, and is flirting face-to-face dying?
Online flirting has given our imagination unlimited room to roam. We show only what we want others to see about ourselves, real or made up. We soak up only what fuels our vanity – which often becomes the main reason why we’re still texting that person we see no future with, while creating a set of rules about how people should flirt or date. And the ugly truth is that these rules don’t work offline, because a whole range of factors come into play when we’re flirting face-to-face with someone we like. Jitters, judgment, facial expressions, tone of voice and eye contact – a level of intimacy that can undo even the most rehearsed behaviour.
Besides that, before the internet, people used to spend more time physically together, devoting much of their free time to activities that involved proximity and personal conversations – helping in the development of greater tolerance for rejection and comprehension , according to Jéssica. “Nowadays… the time devoted to looking at the relative ones, talking and perceiving the other person, is cut short by the instant gratification of looking down at the palms of our hands – which can often distract us from noticing the other person’s signals and responding to them”, she explains.
Look, the thing is, the less we practice face-to-face flirting, the more insecure and unprepared for it we’ll feel. But Jéssica raises an important question: “Who decided there’s a right way to talk, getting to a point where we’re having to write and rewrite conversations?”. We might have become too comfortable as a digital society, but most of the flirting skills we’re losing are actually saying more about our pains and insecurities, than about the technology behind it all.
While I was interviewing the psychologist, she said something that led me to a personal realization: “I believe that the questions we should ask are individual. What kind of relationship do I want to have? … What does that say about me?” That makes this author think that the art of flirting offline isn’t lost – perhaps we’re simply too scared to admit what we really want and go after it.
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The article above was edited by Júlia Festagallo.
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