My knees are curled up to my chest, and my heart is beating erratically in my throat. I’m ten years old, huddled in the corner of the high school gym. Today is my first-ever softball tryout.
Most of these girls have been here since diapers, but not me. I’m new to the game. What if everyone’s better than me? What if I get laughed at? What if my best isn’t good enough? I don’t want to make a fool out of myself.
Now, approaching twenty years old, I wish I could say these doubts have disappeared from my mind. Yeah, no. Even so, there’s one thing I fear more than looking foolish. That’s living with regret.
Facing MY Fear
In a society that values success, no one wants to be bad at anything. Including myself. The star ballplayer gets the most press. The CEO gets the highest paycheck. So, what about the underdogs?
No one says it better than Little Miss Sunshine, one of my favorite movies. Olive, a little girl who dreams of being a beauty queen, is fearful of being a loser. In one scene, her Grandpa says, “A real loser is somebody that’s so afraid of not winning, they don’t even try.”
That’s really the core of it all. If you let fear dictate your life, you’ll never leave the station.
The Dream
This summer, unemployed and bored out of my mind, I took that advice to heart. My acoustic guitar, collecting dust in my bedroom, was beckoning me after five years of neglect. My passion for singing would be all the better for it. How cool would it be to accompany myself on the guitar?
Still I was hesitant. Obviously, I was going to suck. My sense of rhythm was questionable, and don’t even get me started on music theory.
Then, I envisioned my future. One where I’m playing covers at the coffeehouse. Maybe someday, I’m the cool girl in a rock band. A black lace slip and curls cascading over my shoulder. It was easy enough to picture. So how hard could it actually be?
Starting Out
The answer is very hard.
Picking up a new skill is a challenge, no matter how intense your drive is. In my first real guitar lesson, I couldn’t even press my fingers hard enough to play. ‘Just A Girl’ by No Doubt was nothing more than a plunk or two. Mind you, that was just the verse.
Despite the color rising in my face, my embarrassment didn’t stop me from working my tail off. I practiced until my fingers turned white, even as I groaned with frustration.
When I played it for my teacher a week later, I received practical tips. No humiliation. It’s curious what overthinking does to a person.
Cracking The Code
What was supposed to be a boring summer completely turned on its head. Despite my limited experience, I was excited to play. ‘Zombie’ by The Cranberries became my go-to tune, even when I fumbled the chords. Hey, if someone can recognize the song I’m playing, I consider that a win.
Despite being in music programs throughout the years, I always felt like others had secret knowledge that I was missing out on. A cheat code, if you will. As it turns out, they had all sucked too. They’d just been at it for longer.
Since my guitar journey, I’ve felt empowered to try more things. For the past few months, I’ve been designing a magazine about my summer on Canva. I don’t know the first thing about graphic design. I just think magazines and print media are cool. So I’m figuring it out as I go along. That’s the fun part.
Lesson learned
I guess what I’m trying to say (in the least clichĂ© way possible) is that there’s no cheat code to success. There’s no way to improve when you’re too afraid to take the leap.
Begin again. And again. AND again. You might embarrass yourself, but you might also surprise yourself.