When you’re not dating, but somehow still getting your feelings hurt.
You would think “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” would have taught us to not get attached, but this cycle feels never-ending. Why don’t situationships come with a “love-bomb warning?”
Now, I don’t think anyone really needs a significant other. It just always feels better to have someone to hang out with, study on the couch next to and be there for nights out. There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting a relationship. Situationships, on the other hand, will wreck you.
Swiping right
I never wanted to be the girl on dating apps swiping left over and over. To be honest, in my opinion, only about one in 15 guys on Tinder are good-looking. It kind of feels like rock bottom every time I get that “New Match” notification. Don’t get me wrong, I have met some great guys on Tinder, it’s just not the app to go finding your significant other on.
A couple of weeks ago, on a Sunday night, at what I have officially named “the loneliest hour of the week,” I was doing my weekly swipe. I hadn’t been on the app in a bit, still adjusting to the whole “you don’t need a boyfriend” lifestyle. Then, I got a message from an insanely attractive man. This is not an understatement. You just have to trust me.
Quick question: Why do guys always start with “hey?” It gets so repetitive after a while.
I played into it a bit, sent my Snapchat and that was that. Normally, Tinder only works about 5% of the time for me. That other 95% either never gets to the Snapchat phase or I just get too freaked out to actually hang out with them.
Congratuations, you’re being love bombed
Days 1-3
I took a risk inviting him over three days after swiping right on him. Sometimes you just have to take a chance, right? Everyone knows the “pre-first hangout” jitters. Mine were on fire. I had not had a guy over to my new apartment yet. Let me tell you, feeling like you are going to throw up when you get that “otw” text is completely normal.
The knock came, the door was opened, let the games begin…
He was cute. They all have that perfect kind of charisma to bring you in. After two movies and three episodes of “The Office,” he still had yet to make a move. I saw this as a good sign, a green flag.
I should have noticed I was screwed when 3 a.m. rolled around and I asked him if he wanted to sleep over. We were just having so much fun, it was getting late and there’s always an excuse. But why did I do that?
After that night, he would end up sleeping in my bed every other day for the next 10 days.
This is where it gets dangerous. Not because anything was necessarily wrong, but because everything was right. He was texting me constantly, wanting to see me, staying over and making me feel like I had known him for way longer than three days. It was easy to confuse all of that attention with intention.
Looking back, I think that was the moment I stopped casually dating and started emotionally investing. I just didn’t know it yet.
So… this is going somewhere, right?
Days 4-9
There is now a man in my apartment. He grabs food from the fridge without asking. He has a designated side of the bed. He takes my dog out for me while I get ready for bed. At some point, I stopped wondering when he was coming over and started assuming he would be there.
He had somehow gone from a guy I met on Tinder to a regular part of my daily routine in less than a week. We had our little routines, our inside jokes and the kind of comfort that usually takes months to build. I knew what time he would probably show up. He knew where I kept everything. Everything felt perfect.
And yet, we had never actually talked about what we were.
Naturally, I started doing what any rational person would do: analyzing every interaction and convincing myself that there was no way he could be doing all of this if he didn’t actually like me.
Because why would you sleep in someone’s bed every other night, text 24/7 and act like my boyfriend if you didn’t see this going somewhere?
Exactly.
I wasn’t asking for a wedding ring. I just wanted to know if we were on the same page. And from where I was standing, it seemed pretty obvious that we were.
Or at least, that’s what I wanted to believe.
“What are you looking for out of this?”
Day 10
This is the terrifying question that symbolizes the delusion of the past 10 days. I remember the way my stomach dropped when I read that. I did not know how to answer, so I did what anyone would have done, half-swiped and left it on delivered.
A second text.
“Cause I’m not looking for anything serious.”
Oh.
I had spent the past 10 days slowly building a relationship in my head with someone who had never agreed to be in one with me.
And somehow, that hurt more than if he had just told me from the beginning.
I wasn’t heartbroken over a relationship ending. There wasn’t even a relationship to end. I was heartbroken over the version I made up in my head.
Learn from my mistakes
After spending 10 days accidentally turning a Tinder match into a part-time roommate, I feel decently qualified to give some advice.
Don’t confuse consistency with commitment.
Someone can text you every day, come over all the time and act like you’re in a relationship without actually wanting a relationship with you. That’s OK. Unfortunately, I learned this one the hard way.
Ask the question before you need the answer.
“What are you looking for?” is a terrifying question, but finding out on Day 10 is significantly worse than finding out on Day 3.
Pay attention.
Sometimes we hear what we want to hear because the alternative is disappointing. If someone tells you they don’t want anything serious, believe them. Do not start building a PowerPoint presentation in your head about why they secretly do.
Don’t let someone become part of your routine before you know what they are.
The designated side of the bed is cute until you realize you never actually designated the relationship.
You are allowed to want more.
Wanting a relationship doesn’t make you needy, dramatic or desperate. And not wanting one doesn’t make someone a bad person either. Sometimes two people can really like each other and still want completely different things.
Take your time.
Is this relationship going to haunt me for a while? Yes. The real question is, am I going to get over it? Yes. I think sometimes we get so caught up in finding someone that we forget there is nothing wrong with taking our time. You don’t have to know what something is after three days and you definitely don’t have to force something into a relationship just because it feels good.
Maybe I moved a little too fast. Maybe I got attached a little too easily. But I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I liked someone. I let myself get excited. It didn’t work out the way I wanted it to.
And that’s OK.
So, if you’re in your own situationship right now, take your time. Ask the questions you’re scared to ask. Pay attention to what they actually tell you. And maybe, just maybe, don’t let them sleep over on night one.
You got this.