I haven’t watched Spongebob in at least ten years, and I did no brushing up beforehand. This is based off of memory and vibes, and in no particular order.
Mr. Krabs
This man is a little complicated. I think back in the day he could have been a little curious, given the times he stamped that out. Now, I think he’d be homophobic in a corporate way. Like, he absolutely would have a rainbow burger for June but would say the f-slur. Super straight, not a great ally unless money is involved.
Spongebob
I think Spongebob is asexual but would be happy to be in a romantic relationship. Frankly, I don’t think it matters to him what gender the other person is, I think he’d just be happy to love and be loved. I think he would figure it out after helping one of his friends set up a pride parade, kind of similar to the marching band episode.
Plankton
I think Plankton is a little queer-coded due to the drama he brings. As we know, he is married to a computer, which he named Karen.
Wait, did he make her? Is that incest?
Anyways, if he can act like a top in the streets and be a bottom in the sheets, I don’t think it matters to him who’s getting into his nonexistent bikini bottoms.
Karen
I know she’s a computer. She may not be programmed to have a sexuality. She is a lesbian in a lavender marriage/doesn’t have free will.
Patrick
I think Patrick wouldn’t be a great romantic partner to most people. I think he would put in his level of effort, but would be months off on the anniversary, and would go catch jellyfish with Spongebob too often. He wants to be straight, but is so codependent on Spongebob that whoever he dates will always come second.
Squidward
Squidward would only want a relationship for the clout and possible power over another person. Primarily, he is into his clarinet. I do think he could have an enemies-to-lovers with Squilliam, but I’m not sure if they’re related. If they are related, I take that back.
Pearl
She’s presented as a stereotypical teenage girl, which includes a love for boybands, and she did go to prom with Spongebob (which, kinda weird?? Full grown adult working for her dad??) Anyways, I think since she grew up with Mr. Krabs as her dad, she has a bit of internalized homophobia. Not that she’s homophobic, I think she would be so supportive of her friends. And then she would go off to college and listen to Chappell Roan and figure out she might be bi.
Squilliam
He’s either incredibly straight and homophobic or incredibly homosexual. Definitely thinks he’s better than everyone, therefore he would most likely struggle to maintain any long-term relationship.
My Leg!
Gay.
Mrs. Puff
Have you guys seen the theory that her husband is alive and was the pufferfish lamp in the Spongebob movie? People think that he lives in the town neighboring Bikini Bottom and has amnesia, and she hasn’t seen him since she can’t leave town with her parole.
Back on track, I think it’s another situation of the times. I could definitely see her with a woman, running off into the sunset. She did have a husband and that episode with Mr. Krabs…, so there’s evidence that she’s straight, but she could be queer!
Gary
In the snail world, Gary is probably pulling. I don’t mean to be weird, but I am going off vibes.
Sandy
She’s too wrapped up in science to think about romance, and she may not be into fish. I do think she would fall head over heels for a woman she met at a bar or something and an episode would revolve around Spongebob trying to get them together. I think it’d be kind of funny if she was only into people that were not very smart to level her out, but I think that would just bring out the mom-friend we see with Spongebob and Patrick.
Patchy the Pirate
Gay man, probably figured it out a few years into marriage, and his ex-wife hates him with a passion.
The Fish News Anchor
He goes home to his husband at the end of the day.
Mermaid Man
In a queer relationship, but he doesn’t realize. He probably hits on the orderlies at the nursing home, and they probably laugh it off thinking he’s married to Barnacle Boy.
Barnacle Boy
In a kind of weird relationship with Mermaid Man where everyone knows they’re together, but he knows Mermaid Man doesn’t really know his feelings. He needs to spell it out for Mermaid Man but doesn’t want to ruin their partnership.
The Flying Dutchman
I think whatever way his ship sails, they’re the top in the relationship. This may be controversial, but I think he has a wife who maybe has a peg leg if you catch my drift.
Shriveled Chocolate Lady
Now, she hates love, but only because she was married for a very long time to a man that didn’t respect her and told her that’s what love is. But, love was really what she felt for the cute girl in her art class junior year of high school.
That’s everyone I could think of. Some of these are probably wildly off base, some right on the nose. I’m open to any discussion on the matter.