We all have insecurities; it’s a part of being human. We as humans are aware that we are imperfect, and in the society that we live in, we often forget that those around us are living in the same reality.
Everyone has their moments where they too wish they could change something about themselves, but in this day and age, with technology at the forefront of everything we do,it would be hard to recognize that we all are more similar than what we give ourselves credit for.
We pick one person and idolize them so much that we forget what it’s like being ourselves. We forget that we as individuals are pretty cool too, and we should be the model for our canvases, not just the artist.
For me, it started becoming a problem during quarantine. I was on TikTok because that was what I was “supposed” to do, you could say. I had nothing else to do. I would open my stupid Chromebook to the same saved Zoom calls for school day after day. What can I say? A girl needed substance. Being online was my only window to the outside world, and I took the opportunity to look outside whenever I could. At first it was harmless fun, dance trends, and those anime cosplays; I had no complaints. However, I started to notice that whenever a girl came up on my screen, I would start to compare myself to her, envisioning my life if I were to have her face.
I was sculpting a girl who wasn’t much farther from who I was, forgetting that I too had amazing qualities that shouldn’t be discounted, but I wanted to be different so bad that I forgot who I was from the inside out. If I were to change one thing, I would stop myself from relishing on who I was and start anticipating who I was becoming.
I didn’t know if this was some type of universal experience, and I still don’t know to this day. I would hope not. It contributed to why I act like I do in most scenarios, or why I am so self-conscious about acting how I want. At one point, I think it was around sophomore year of high school, I stopped caring so much about what I thought I should be, because I didn’t want to be any other girl other than myself.
Once I realized the damage I had done, it was too late to continue down the same path. Like most things, you have to let go in order to start fresh. So I started to change my mindset. Why can’t I be the coolest girl I know? I began to realize that the things that I do don’t have to make sense to others; they only have to make sense to me. I let go of the girl that idolized others’ thoughts and decisions above her own, because other people should not have had such a hold on my life as they did. I should have held onto the girl who brought me so far in the first place, not people that I would see in 30-second clips passing on my screen.
There are times when I see myself reverting back into the girl that I used to be. Now my problem is making myself smaller to accommodate others. Thinking that my personality and voice is too big to fit into a room. Our lives are this never-ending cycle of things that we “get over” then new obstacles and insecurities to overcome, but it makes living even more worthwhileI know that my story is worth reading. I am worth being the muse of my own story, even if it is being written every day that I live.