I am sure you all have heard of the term “right person wrong time,” and have seen just how apparent it is in today’s society, especially as we are transitioning back into another year of college. Whether you are starting your first year, or going back for your fourth, there is no doubt that relationships in many different forms are all around us. College can bring a lot of change, which means that these connections can change too. Along with that, people have learned to hold out hope for the future and romanticize their breakups in order to make sense of a relationship that ended during a major transitional time in their lives (but hey, no judgement). I’m guilty of that too and honestly, it is something I have been actively working toward overcoming. No one is shaming you, but maybe you just need a little bit of perspective. Embrace your singleness, baby! Your ex is an ex for a reason.
Why do we love it?
When we read or see “right person wrong time”, we understand that time is being blamed as the culprit for the relationship ending, not the people involved. The idea is that the person believes they will get back together with their ex after a certain amount of time, and that when they were together, it was against their timeline of fate.
It’s simply a coping mechanism rooted in denial, to put it bluntly.
When I was going through the motions of missing my ex, my mom would remind me that if it truly was the right person, they would be the right person all the time, not just when it worked for them.
Instead of admitting to yourself that your ex treated you badly, or that your personality just didn’t fit with theirs, you tell yourself this to take the blame away from both parties and put it all on the universe. It also allows for the door to still be open, for there to be a possibility of a future with them again. Yes, it’s hope, and hope is a good thing to have, but hope shouldn’t put your life on pause. You can think that fate will bring you two back together again, but you also can learn to live and love your life while they live and love theirs. You control hope, hope doesn’t control you.
How this keeps the door open.
When we tell ourselves that it was just the timing’s fault and not actually our ex being stupid, we tend to put our life on hold, waiting for them either subconsciously or consciously. Thinking this way, you end up waiting for that time to come around, for you to finally reunite with them and fall into their arms once more.
When you start to go down the rabbit hole of checking TikTok reposts or Instagram mentions, you need to remind yourself of why you guys broke up in the first place. You need to remind yourself that your ex probably isn’t thinking the same way about you right now that you are about them.
Truly, keeping the door open can look different for many people. It can be prank calling with the infamous *67 every weekend, comparing every guy you come in contact with to your ex, and even rejecting the dream guy just because a piece of you is still waiting around for that late night hey ive been thinking a lot about you text (which we both know will never happen so why do you keep waiting for it?)
You can leave the door cracked without shoving yourself in the doorway. Live your life, try new things and meet new people. Do not feel guilty for being able to be happy without them. Instead, embrace your newfound singleness and don’t let it eat you alive. Go to the gym, hangout with whoever you want to, spend all your time with your friends and study as much as you can. If they decide to call you one day, you decide what you want to do with that information when the time comes. That is allowing for a possibility without expecting it.
The art of letting go.
Stop dwelling on all the good moments, start to become a negative nelly only pertaining to this. We’ve got to get you over them, girl! Realize why the relationship ended and ask yourself if you were to go back to it right now, would it be any different? Ask yourself if going back would keep you from dreaming big, would it prevent you from doing anything you wanted to do while you were single? And one of the most important questions, ask yourself if your best friend would be happy for you. Other people see what we don’t when we have our rose-colored glasses on.
Look, letting go doesn’t mean you are giving up on the possibility of them, you are giving up on letting “what-ifs” rule you. Letting go means learning how to carry what you two once were, without letting it keep you from who you are supposed to become. It’s loving yourself and letting your love shine no matter who it shines for.
There’s no doubt you had a life planned out with them. You probably envisioned the anniversaries, sleepovers at your dorm, walks in the fall. You had the whole house planned out as well as how many kids and their full names. You knew what you wanted. You had a version of life with them that you were anticipating and hoping for and unfortunately, that isn’t the reality.
When mourning a relationship, we tend to mourn more of what could have been, rather than what was. But I want you to think about who you were before and during the relationship. I want you to look at yourself now and decide who you want to become after. Do you want to be someone who is ruled by the possibilities and things that aren’t even guaranteed, or do you want to live and breathe in the moment and let life take you along its course? I know what sounds more peaceful, but it’s a matter of choosing that for yourself or not.
College is now in session. We are grown ups who have lives to live. We do not need to give all our mental time and energy to someone who doesn’t even know what is on our minds anymore. Missing them might feel good because it feels familiar, or you simply don’t want them moving on, but loving yourself feels so much better. So go live your life, crush this first semester, focus on your future and no one else’s.
Do questionable things with your friends, spend your whole paycheck on online retailers, stay up until daylight to study for that test, get that piercing, dye your hair whatever color. Just breathe in, breathe out, and don’t text your ex. If your paths do cross again, deal with it when it happens, just don’t deny opportunities that the world sets out for you in the name of unrequited love. Like I said, embrace your singleness baby! Your ex is an ex for a reason.
