A phrase I often heard before coming to college was, “You’ll make lifelong friends!” This was supposed to make me feel excited to meet new people, but all it did was make me anxious. Thoughts raced through my mind like, what will happen if I never meet the right people? How do I conjure up a friendship with someone I don’t know? What if I don’t like anyone? I wish I could say that after three years of being at WVU, I’ve formed a large friend group, but the truth is, I still find it difficult to make new friends. Yes, it sounds easy to start up small talk with the girl who sits next to you in class, but this takes effort, and exposing yourself to new people constantly can be exhausting. It’s unlikely that the first person you talk to will become your best friend, and if this happens to you, consider yourself lucky. Genuine, long-lasting friends are rare, and it usually takes more than a few “What’s your major?” questions to get there.
The hardest lesson I had to learn was that it’s normal to grow out of certain people. Interests, hobbies and lifestyles of the average college student are constantly evolving, and along with that comes changes to personality. I met my first roommate from freshman year in high school, and we decided to room together at WVU. We shared many of the same interests, which made hanging out back at home easy and fun. But I noticed that once I got to college, my need for independence and individuality grew rapidly. After a few months, I realized that while we may have gotten along in the past, we were growing into different people with different needs. The end of the roommate arrangement ultimately ended our friendship, but I was okay with that. I wasn’t interested in spending time with the friends she made, and she wasn’t interested in mine. We weren’t able to overcome our differences of opinion and lifestyle, and trying to ignore that became very exhausting very quickly. I don’t regret being friends with her or being roommates with her just because it ended badly; in fact, I’m glad I was able to prioritize myself in this situation, but what I do regret is not telling her how I felt. I moved out of our dorm rather quickly and without taking the time to explain to her why I was doing it. Common roommate issues like space and cleanliness were a part of the problem, but I was too scared to tell her how I was feeling. My fear of confrontation got in the way of what could’ve been a much smoother experience. That being said, I’m still happy with the choices I made, knowing I did what was best for me. The most important takeaway from this situation is: choose yourself! Don’t sacrifice your needs or your happiness for a friendship that was doomed to begin with. And this goes for any person you meet: whether you get a bad vibe from something they did or are annoyed by something they said, there’s no shame in ending the relationship right then and there. Setting boundaries is the best way to protect your peace.
I had another friendship fizzle out somewhat unexpectedly during my freshman year. We had three classes together, so naturally we began to get to know each other. We started spending a lot of time together outside of class, hitting up the Goodwill and going out at night. I really enjoyed her company in the beginning, but then I started noticing some red flags. Over time, I didn’t feel like I could be myself around her because I felt I couldn’t trust her. I didn’t appreciate how she spoke about girls she didn’t know, and I was afraid that she was speaking unkindly about me when I wasn’t there. We had a lot of similarities, and she was easy to get along with, but I often felt like her sidekick. Our conversations were repetitive, and she did most of the talking, which got old fast. These irritants crept in one by one and slowly changed the way I felt about our friendship. I held myself back from meeting other people because I got comfortable where I was, but I knew this needed to change. I’d faced the final straw and owed it to myself to move on. This wasn’t a decision I made lightly, but it also wasn’t really a decision at all. A handful of bad vibes was all the evidence I needed to accept that I couldn’t sustain this friendship anymore. So I trusted my instincts, and administering a semi-cold shoulder one day was all it took; she got the message. We never spoke again after what I assume was a mutual friendship breakup and went on to meet new people.
I know that I’m no angel and I definitely made mistakes during this time too, but having the ability to acknowledge that is the first step in keeping relationships afloat. No one is the perfect friend, perfect roommate or perfect anything, and it’s okay to admit your own faults. In the end, we all meet different people and make new friends, ones we don’t have to try as hard to keep. Remember that there are plenty of people who you’ll get along with and don’t waste too much energy on the wrong ones. If I can give any one piece of advice to a timid college student, it’s to trust your instincts when choosing friends and be patient with yourself. Best friends don’t appear out of thin air, and it’s okay to get it wrong a few times. If you have a friend crush on someone from your class, reach out! Be bold and compliment her hair or her style. More than likely, the effort will be reciprocated, and if it’s not, move on to the next.