…(in a world where everyone protects their peace)
“Hey girl, sorry I can’t make it to the party. I need to get some sleep, I’ve had a crazy weekend.”
The party is in an hour. Her crazy weekend? Doomscrolling until she fell asleep at 4AM instead of studying for the midterm this week. “I don’t really gaf about the party anyway. Won’t so many other people be there?”
The concept of inconveniencing ourselves for the sake of those that we love seems to be a lost art. As mental health becomes a more widely talked-about issue (which is a very good and important step) the media is constantly giving life advice along the lines of “protect your peace”, “take your time”, and “let them be mad.” But where do we draw the line between letting them, and plain laziness?
I’m just finishing my freshman year in college, 8 hours away from my hometown. This was a huge adjustment. Every time I came home it was never a “break”, I was swamped. There were so many people I wanted to see and hear from. People who marked their calendars months in advance for when I would be coming home (thank you Grace and Addi!). Was I exhausted? Of course. But why would I not want to be a little tired and surrounded by loved ones, instead of well-rested and by myself?
The summer before freshman year was a lot of the same for those who I cared about. But it also was very telling for many people. Some were always packing, others needed a break after work. I knew I was going on vacation and had to see everyone I could see before I took off, but some of those final coffee dates and beach days slipped through the cracks. And when we were all home for winter break, they were never rescheduled.
And I do not write this to say mental health days are unimportant. I believe they are, and there are plenty of times where I will sit in my bed for an entire day with a book if no one stops me. But if a good friend asks for my help, or for a ride, or just to hang out? Of course I will do everything in my power to help them. We all need a break, but we also need to recognize when that break can wait. That birthday party text I wrote about? Sent an hour before the party. Now the host is sad, and there are extra cupcakes, and favors, all because you needed a doomscroll. How would you feel if it was your birthday? Would you not question why they did not just RSVP ‘no’ in the first place?
I don’t write this piece to preach, I’m not perfect, and have definitely been guilty of flaking on plans last minute. I am not proud, I know it is a part of having a crazy busy social life, but I also know that I have felt awful, and done my best to reschedule when this does happen. More and more however have I realized that many people just do not, for lack of a better term, gaf period. And that is where my issue comes in.
Caring about people is not being an open book with no boundaries either. And as an empath eldest daughter, that is also a lesson that my first semester at college has taught me. Not everyone needs to know every detail of my life, and I should not be a one-way sounding board for all of your problems either. But sure, I will get coffee with you tomorrow morning before class to hear your lore, only if we can talk about the last episode of Bridgerton too.
Friendship, real, true friendship is a two way street. The only way it lasts is if you both care for it. Reaching out, making plans, rescheduling if you cannot make it. I am sure you would not skip out on your grandma’s birthday party, and you love her. So if you claim you love your friends you should do the same. We are young. We have all the time in the world to stay up studying for midterms. If it means giving a gaf about the people who care about me, I would take one night of less sleep any day.