We can all agree that either now or at some point, we all have a “type” when it comes to dating other people. That “type” depends on your personal preferences. But have you ever felt like your “type” was the worst type? I’m not talking about icks and red flags, but rather the type of person who is absolutely, gut-wrenchingly, not good for you. Like the type who leaves you questioning why you date these types of personalities. Dating, especially while in college, can feel weirdly predictable, like we’re all following the same invisible script that we didn’t consciously choose, but feels like someone chose for us. So the question is: are we meant to be this way, or did we learn it somewhere along the way? To simplify, is dating others part of our nature, or are we trying to nurture ourselves? The honest answer? It’s disgustingly messy — but way more interesting than a simple either/or.
it’s all in the chemistry
A recent lecture in my political theory class is actually what got me inspired to write this article. Political theory and dating have a little more in common than you think, and that all starts with the famous philosopher John Locke. Locke, an English philosopher from the 1600s, was the creator of this whole “nature vs. nurture” idea. Locke strongly advocated for the nurture side of the nature vs. nurture debate, proposing that the human mind at birth is a tabula rasa or “blank slate.” He argued that all knowledge, ideas, and traits are formed exclusively through sensory experience, environment, and education rather than being natural.
I’m sure we’ve all heard the term “chemistry” used when referring to two people starting to see each other, kind of like it’s some uncontrollable, magical force. Attraction often feels instinctual and immediate, or what I like to call “the honeymoon phase.” Things feel too good to be true, and the person you like can do no wrong. On the other hand, you may spend some time with someone and realize that you really don’t click. A lot of that can actually be traced back to biology: hormones, evolution, and even subconscious preferences that we don’t even realize we think about, like symmetry or someone’s smell. When you really think about it, dating can be considered less of a choice, but rather a survival instinct that’s been passed down generation to generation from our loved ones.
Loving what feels familiar
Let’s talk about the nurture side of things. Our dating behaviors (and most other behaviors in general) are all shaped by what we’ve seen, experienced, heard, or absorbed in our lives. Think about the earliest time you learned to understand a relationship — whether it was from your family, a movie, or a book. Those early examples created the perfect building blocks for us to believe what love really looks like. Depending on your experiences, you may be more experienced with healthy communication compared to someone else’s experiences, resulting in them avoiding or struggling with communication altogether.
Dating in college: The ultimate social experiment
Where do I even begin? College — the ultimate fear factor experiment. Learning how to discover yourself, but also how to “fit in” all over again. For a lot of us, it’s the first time we’re learning how to navigate through life on our own terms. Suddenly, you’re thrown into a world of hookup culture, peer pressure, new friend groups, and lots of sleepless nights — perfect for late night conversations. Lastly, meeting new people results in new ideas, and a lot of ideas about what dating should and shouldn’t be.
College is a lot different from high school, and it’s totally normal to experience these feelings and changes. You may find yourself prioritizing your interests and self-independence, or realize that what you thought you wanted really isn’t what actually works for you.
When worlds collide
Honestly, the act of dating stems from both your instincts and experiences. Naturally, you might feel drawn to that kind of person and personality, but why you choose to stay rather than leave is entirely based on your lived-in experiences and what you’ve learned from them. So, dating the emotionally unavailable person could actually be more about yourself than that person — it can reflect your own experiences with validation and self-worth.
“How can I break this pattern?” you may ask. It’s a lot simpler than you think. Although you feel like you can’t always control the initial attraction you may feel for someone, you can reflect on your personal experiences and the patterns they seem to be repeatedly causing. You can even ask yourself, “Is this actually what I want? Or is it something I’ve already felt before?“ The shift from it being a “want” to a “need” is where the growth begins to kick in — you’re allowed to have these feelings, and it’s normal to outgrow what you once felt was natural at the time.
So… is it nature or nurture?
So, are our dating behaviors biological or learned? To be quite frank, it’s both, but depending on the situation, both can be used interchangeably. Sometimes, putting a label on something doesn’t always have to be the answer, either.
Sometimes, the most important relationship lessons aren’t just about finding the right person, but rather about understanding yourself a little better along the way, and if that means you have to be on your own for a while, then that’s what you need to do for you. And maybe that’s the real plot twist: love isn’t just something that happens to us by chance, or to be forced into either; it’s something we learn how to do, in our own way.