By Adi Arbell
Whoever said the third time’s the charm lied. Here we are again… another failed situationship in
the books and I’m not gonna lie, this one took me out. For me, the ability to do relationship
things like going on dates, spending weeks at a time together, and making future plans, all for it
to amount to nothing, is something I am no longer interested in. I have decided that I am
officially decentering romance.
In college, it’s so easy to have a roster, whether you’re talking to people on Hinge or
Snapchatting some guy from work you like; having that “talking” stage fills the void. It’s
apparent that having a person, fling, gf/bf, whatever, is like a status symbol and if you aren’t
pursuing someone, it feels like you’re left out of some exclusive club. Social media plays a big
role in how we approach romance and dating. It makes us think that “the one” is just on the other
end of the screen, a few swipes away. Every time I check my feed, it’s another hard launch or
date-night post and I’m over it. I keep telling myself to find someone new in order to get over
them, but that just feels wrong.
So, how do you decenter romance in a world so focused on finding relationships? I
started to ask myself, “Who am I outside of relationships?” and when I realized I didn’t really
know who that was, I knew other girls had to feel this way too. I wanted to share a few ways I
am learning to decenter romance.
1: Be your biggest fan – every time you look in the mirror, say to yourself, “I love you.”
If you can say it out loud, that’s even better, and if you can say it a few times, that’s best. When
you see your reflection and choose to love it, it is a nice reminder that the love you seek from
others always starts from within. We’re learning to decenter romance here, not love.
2: Redefine loneliness – where some people view time alone as a hellscape, to others it
can be the only moment you have to reset and recharge. Loneliness is defined as “an emotional
response to isolation,” but sometimes being alone helps us see where we need to reevaluate,
whether it’s doing self-care or doomscrolling in bed. Being alone and enjoying it is a skill that
not many of us are capable of and should not be taken for granted.
3: Remember that singlehood is not something you have to overcome – I’m tired of
treating singlehood as a disease or obstacle, many of us who are single are told that “one day” or
“soon” we’ll be magically saved by another person, and no longer have to “deal” with our
oneness, I call BS. When I meet that special someone, I will know that whether or not they’re in
my life, I am a full person with friends, opportunities, and achievements and that doesn’t change
if I’m single or not.
4: Celebrate all the small moments – every time you wake up and don’t think about
them, even when it’s just for a second, that’s a win. Every time you do something just for you,
you’re reestablishing your relationship with the most important person, yourself.
Now that we have the steps to decenter romance, we all have the tools to be that girl,
regardless of who we let into our hearts. Oh, wait, guys, she texted me back… never mind