I can’t help but notice that anytime a woman uploads a video of herself being put in an uncomfortable position by a man and, for her safety, reacts in a polite manner, she’s thrown under the bus for it. Almost every time, the comment section is filled with replies along the lines of, “You should’ve been meaner,” “He probably felt encouraged,” and “Why were you so nice to him?”
Suddenly, the problem is no longer that a man went out of his way to make this woman uncomfortable, but instead how she dealt with the situation. Interestingly enough, this sentiment remains true even when a woman reacts exactly how the internet has told another woman to.
“It wasn’t what she said to the guy; it was how rude she said it,” “There are so many ways to be nice, and she chose not to,” and “She comes off as narcissistic” are the type of comments I’ve seen in response to a video of an interaction between a young girl named Demetra Dias and a fan at Coachella. Dias, a TikTok influencer with 4.4 million followers on the app known for her OOTD videos, gym content, and bubbly personality, has been subjected to intense scrutiny for her reaction to a fan trying to put his arm around her as they posed for a photo.
It only took Dias saying “Don’t touch me” to the fan for a largely divided debate to quickly ensue over whether she was right or wrong. The majority of the takes I have seen about the drama have been positive and attempt to defend Dias; however, many of the comments are the opposite. From what I have read, some people are upset about the situation because Dias is a public figure who has decided to make a career out of being an influencer, and therefore, she should be kinder to her supporters.
While it goes without saying that Dias’ fan base has been a huge contributing factor to her growth on social media and outside projects, such as her Aéropostale collection, that doesn’t mean they are entitled to anything. If anything, what many people have failed to realize is that if Dias were to try to meet every single one of her fans’ demands, she would have to sacrifice her boundaries in the process.
Shortly after the video of Dias and her fan was uploaded, the influencer posted a response video defending herself, explaining that her intention was never to come off as rude to the fan, but that, as a woman, sometimes she gets afraid of large groups of boys. Personally, I have felt the same way numerous times. I could never imagine the added pressure of the internet following every single one of my moves, fearing my words and actions being used against me because of it. I can also say that had I been in Dias’ position, I definitely would have had a hard time navigating this situation with the same level of grace and maturity as she has.
Truthfully, I am still trying to learn how to stick up for myself in uncomfortable situations and not apologize for it when I do. But hearing Dias say “I don’t want to set the narrative that if you’re setting a boundary you have to apologize for that boundary, because, no” has been so affirming and makes me wish I could go back in time to put my foot down and assert my boundaries.
Although I imagine that this situation must be extremely mentally draining for Dias—especially now that people are posting details from her personal life to try to justify a stranger overstepping her boundaries—I hope that it will at least inspire young women and girls to no longer feel guilty about protecting their peace and standing up for themselves.
Dias is only one of many famous women who have been faced with extreme hate and even threats as a product of deep misogyny encouraged by lies created by men and drama accounts. For instance, just a month ago, the internet was absolutely ruthless and hateful towards the Grammy-winning singer and songwriter Chappell Roan because of an allegation that she was rude to a child.
The accuser, football player Jorginho Frello, claimed that Chappell Roan’s security guard made his daughter cry after she tried approaching the singer. This was all quickly refuted not only by Chappell herself, but also by the alleged security guard, who said he was working on behalf of another artist, not Chappell.
Weeks after the situation, Frello posted to his Instagram story that the incident had been a misunderstanding and concluded that “as far as I am concerned, this matter is closed.” And while it may be closed for him, it certainly isn’t for Chappell Roan, who to this day is faced with extreme internet hate and never officially received a public apology from Frello.
As it still stands, Chappell Roan is also still technically banned from Todo Mundo No Rio by the Mayor of Rio De Janeiro, who was quick to make a post about it following the alleged incident between Chappell Roan and Jorginho’s daughter.
Since coming across the discourse on TikTok about Demetra Dias’s “rude” response, I’ve started to wonder if there’s some kind of rulebook that the internet likes to pull out when a woman has done something in response to a man’s actions. I find myself entirely incapable of understanding the internet’s reactions—especially now more than ever.
My only hope is that women will continue to stand up against the irrational standards we’re held to by society, which are seemingly impossible to satisfy, and that the new generation of young girls will feel inspired by all the women before them who have fought to give them a voice.