2 Corinthians 5:7 states, “For we walk by faith, not by sight.”
That’s a pretty hefty statement for a girl whose career depends on what is seen and heard. I have been moved by logic. It’s why I stopped believing in Santa before all the other kids. It’s why I stopped believing in mermaids after watching a National Geographic documentary. And it’s why I stopped believing in God after 10 years of Catholic schooling.
Junior year of high school is hell for pretty much everyone, from SAT prep to college applications to social expectations. Now add a Theology III class on top of all of that: a course that encourages you to “live your faith loudly” and “incorporate Christ in your daily life.” So imagine my shock when I walk into class at 8:15 a.m. and see a slideshow on birth control. You could say I was more than confused about how my teacher could attempt to connect the Sacraments to women’s healthcare. But try he did, and for 55 minutes. It was right then and there that I had what would be described as a “Road to Damascus” moment.Â
The “Road to Damascus” is a common parable in Catholicism, often used to describe a moment of profound realization: “Immediately there fell from his eyes something like scales, and he received his sight at once,” as Acts 9:18 reads. The scales definitely fell from my eyes that day. In that moment, I recalled the 10 years that I had spent in Theology courses, Confirmation classes, Adoration, and prayer retreats. If this is what all of that was leading to, it sure felt like a waste. I felt uneasy listening to a man give his unsolicited opinion on my adolescent female body and watching the other girls around me feel so much shame. It didn’t seem like God’s love to me.Â
I spent the next year entirely closed off, not only to religion but to all kinds of spirituality. I didn’t just have walls up, I had a whole metaphorical armory. I was angry, and that anger fueled me daily. It took a long time for that anger to wane. Probably months, maybe even years. But when the feeling finally did completely dissipate, it left something even worse: nothing. I felt nothing, and it was horrible. It impacted the daily joys of life; I didn’t feel anything when the sun hit my face, or when I heard a baby laugh, or when I saw a beautiful sunset.
When I was younger, it was hard for me to separate humanity and spirituality. One man spoke harshly towards my religious beliefs, and that meant that everything that I was taught must have been wrong. But that’s not true. I was also taught to love fully, to give all that I could to those who needed it more than me, to enter every situation with empathy at the forefront of my heart. I can only speak from my own experience, but having faith doesn’t mean that you need to obey every single word that leaves the mouth of a worldly preacher. To me, it means loving every soul you come across. I don’t ever want to go through life looking up at the beautiful sky and feeling indifference. So, whether it’s God, Yahweh, Allah, Zeus, or whatever else you believe, I encourage you to feel grateful for the wonderful opportunity that you have been given to live on this earth.