Let’s give some backstory.
This year, I’ve been splitting my “new years goals” into quarters, with five goals in five different categories per quarter. (But that will be another article sometime soon.) My “emotional” goal for quarter one, which just wrapped up a few days ago for me, was to de-center men and avoid pursuing a relationship. I had noticed that whenever a cute guy was around, all thought would fly out of my head and I would try to subtly get his attention. That was a problem, especially since it took away from time I had dedicated to work or spending time with myself or friends. Additionally, as a bisexual person, it was concerning to me that it was only happening around men. Whenever I saw a cute girl, or an attractive androgynous person, I would either be more direct about how I felt, or just wait for them to come to me. I didn’t quite know the term for it until people online started talking about ways they were “de-centering men” and how it has recently helped their mindset and confidence. I definitely think that this mindset of needing to attract men’s attention is society-driven, but I knew I had fallen prey to it.
After talking with my best friend, I decided that my way to try and combat this was to cut out the possibility of a relationship. Without the want of a partner, I would have little to no need to get a man’s attention, unless I needed to ask him a question in class. Mind you, I am not a therapist or mental health professional in any way, so I have no guarantee of how this works or if it would work for you. However, I do know that it worked for me. Here is what I learned…
I was happier? Without expending all of my energy on a night out trying to get a guy to come talk to me, or making eyes at the cute guy in the library, I was able to focus on myself and my friendships a lot more, which brought me more joy. Without throwing my effort into the black hole that is men who don’t understand social cues, I was able to focus on taking care of myself and enjoying my own presence.
I think this period of intentional abstinence of the dating scene also helped me to reflect on my own behaviors, both for myself or a future partner. Also, why was this only a problem around guys? After a lot of reflection, I came to my own conclusion. Having never actually dated a man before, I think I wanted to prove that I could be attractive to men as well. I knew that women and non-binary people were attracted to me and wanted to date me, but I had never gotten past the second date with a guy. By trying to get more guys to be attracted to me, I think a more subconscious part of me was really trying to prove that I could.
I became myself a little more. We all know about, or maybe have participated as I have, in slightly changing how you present yourself to attract a guy. Yes, I know it is bad. Yes, I think this experience has helped me in stopping. But it does happen, and on a much larger scale than what I would do occasionally as well. However, since dating was off the table for the next three months, I wasn’t worried about how a future partner would perceive me, and just set out to have fun and be myself. Without worrying about “scaring anyone off,” which is toxic thinking in its own way, I was able to be more upfront about myself and my values to everyone I met. Also, while I was doing this and living my best life, I was still receiving attention from guys. The difference was that I wasn’t encouraging it, and I did not respond. (Except once, let’s be so for real–everyone slips up.) This attention helped to affirm that paying the men around me no attention and being outwardly truthful about my personality was the right path.
If you’re looking to have your own journey of de-centering men, I would think deeply on what that journey would mean to you, and what you have to do personally to achieve it. My biggest tip is to just have fun and learn more about yourself while doing this! By de-centering men, the idea is to center yourself, femininity, and the women around you instead. Bring this positive energy into your life because, really, do you want a man stealing your sparkle?