There’s a quiet assumption woven into society like background music:
The relationship between a mother and daughter is supposed to be so close, so easy, so natural that they are a part of each other. But for many women, especially black women, this relationship is more akin to walking barefoot on glass, carefully, cautiously, and often alone.
A difficult relationship between a mother and daughter can manifest in a variety of ways. Constant criticism masquerading as advice to emotional distance where the conversation never goes deeper than the surface. Control, comparisons, or lingering resentment that hangs over the relationship like a storm cloud that never really dissipates. These are not behaviors that stay locked in the past, either; they reverberate through a woman’s life, impacting how she views herself and how she relates to others.
One of the most profound changes is one’s self-worth. When a mother, who is often a child’s first mirror, reflects self-doubt instead of self-worth, it can have a profound effect on a daughter’s security. Compliments may become suspect. Achievements may become inadequate. Even love may become conditional, as if it could disappear at any moment.
Another casualty of this situation is trust. A daughter who has grown up feeling misunderstood, dismissed, or judged may bring these attitudes with her into other relationships, whether friendships or romantic ones. Vulnerability can be a dangerous thing, and opening can feel like giving the other person a script for future pain. Relationships can be superficial or intensely codependent, shifting between distance and desperation.
There is also the subtle pressure of comparison. Some mothers, consciously or unconsciously, tend to compare their daughters with themselves or with others in terms of looks, achievements, and conduct. This may eventually lead to a nagging voice that constantly tells the daughter, “You’re not enough,” even during her triumphant moments. This voice is not the daughter’s; however, it is hers for free.
But here’s the part that often goes unspoken:
However, accepting that you have a bad relationship with your mother also brings feelings of guilt. Our culture puts motherhood on a pedestal, so it’s difficult for a woman to confess that she has a bad relationship with her mother. She may minimize her experiences or blame herself for the relationship, thinking, “Maybe I’m the problem.” It’s a lonely feeling, like being in a room full of people who speak a different language than you do.
Healing is possible. And healing does not always mean fixing the relationship. Sometimes it means redefining it. Establishing boundaries, seeking therapy, or even just becoming more aware of harmful patterns can be big first steps. Healing can also look like creating a support system, like the person never had when they were growing up. It can also look like learning how to speak to themselves in a way they would have liked to have been spoken to.
There’s also a quiet revolution happening:
Women are breaking free of those cycles. They’re opting for awareness instead of repetition and reflection instead of reaction. Whether they become mothers themselves or not, they’re changing the emotional template, turning suffering into purposeful parenting.
The relationship between a mother and daughter is arguably one of the strongest relationships that a woman will encounter in her life. However, when this relationship is damaged, the impact is arguably as great as the potential for growth. Just as a thread pulled loose from a tapestry can destroy a piece of who you are, a damaged relationship can also be an opportunity to make something stronger, softer, and your own.
If this resonates with you, your feelings are real, your experience matters, and your story isn’t over.
-Written by Endiyah Turner, Chapter Writter
